The Sunshine Project: When politics come to dinner

LACONIA — As a business owner, Brenda Martel does not like to talk about politics – one of society’s most incendiary topics, and one that can break or make alliances, depending on one’s views.

The owner of Café Déjà Vu, an eatery on Court Street, said political discussions don’t spark explosions at her house, but they are landmines for some of her regulars, who sound beleaguered by political tensions at home. Politics is the enemy of peace, they warn. Sometimes it’s safer to stay silent.

“’I’ve been disowned by my own family because I’ve called them out on this or that political fact,’” Martel said one of her customers confessed. “It’s sad, but it happens.”

In the wake one of the most contentious elections in American history, politics remains a sizzling hot potato, stoking fear, anger and resentment, and sometimes prompting withdrawal from family and social occasions. 

For people with strong political ties, party labels can be fighting words, akin to scarlet letters tattooed on foreheads, or blinking danger signs. Two of democracy’s key ingredients – respectful political discussion and compromise – seem increasingly under siege at the national level. Poisonous attitudes and traded accusations spill over to ordinary citizens, who look to leaders to model dialogue and opinion, according to political scientists.

“I’m not very political. I just try to keep it to myself,” said Matthew Dami of Belmont, while enjoying coffee at Wayfarer Coffee Roasters. “At Thanksgiving, if I talk to my grandfather about Trump, he goes off – then on and on about politics. He sounds kind of racist and over the top. He made my grandmother cry about it. My father had to tell him to stop because he was hurting people’s feelings. Families come first,” Dami said.

“When you bring it home, it creates more harm than good,” said a diner at Café Déjà Vu, who was afraid it would upset his wife if he shared his name, especially on the eve of Valentine’s Day. He voted Republican in November and his wife is a longtime Democrat. “I watch Fox. She watches CNN,” he said. Lines are drawn about what is safe and not safe to discuss at the dinner table. “If you know it’s going to be an issue, why go there? It’s on the news every day.  Why talk about it when you’re not going to have a good outcome?”

During these queasy political times, network news is skewed to audiences, and head-to-head political combat is super-charging the landscape. Lesser battles over politics can crop up as skirmishes at work, and among friends and civic groups, and they can hit raw nerves at home.

Pastoral concern

Michael Graham, pastor of Gilford Community Church, said his wife posted photos on Facebook of Joe Biden playing with preschoolers in the church’s nursery when Biden came to speak before the election. Members of her family in Michigan and her former church berated her. During the 2016 presidential campaign, Republican John Kasich spoke to the congregation, which is still roughly evenly split between Democrats and Republicans, Graham said.

“We’re well aware of the divisiveness of this country,” said Graham, who recommends two books to his parishoners:  “The Righteous Mind: Why Good People are Divided by Politics and Religion” by Johnathan Haidt, and “Love Your Enemies: How Decent People Can Save America from the Culture of Contempt,” by Arthur Brooks. The titles sum up what Graham sees as a problem that affects all of us directly or indirectly.

“Both parties are filled with good people, including in this congregation. We need both sides. We’re at our best when we have good discussions about the things that matter to us. Compromise is not a bad thing,” Graham said.

“These divisions have been in place for a long time,” but have risen to a higher pitch recently, and for some, that means entrenched opposing views at home, said the Rev. Jim Shook of the United Methodist Church in Gilford. “People deal with it by not talking about it," Shook knows Republicans and Democrats in the same families and sees “a general attitude of ‘go along to get along’, and not making waves because that’s how they’ve dealt with it in the past.”

Since the election, Shook believes people have become more convinced of their own positions and bunkered in their beliefs, which makes it harder to meet on a middle ground.                                 

“It’s the United States of America, not the separate states of America,” said Sarah Stuart of Belmont, who wishes more people would drop the hatchet and listen to the opinions of others. Within her own family, responses vary according to who happens to be in the room.

“If I talk to my mother about Trump, her blood boils. When I talk to my father, he’s easier. I personally don’t care whether someone is pro-Trump, pro-Biden or pro-Obama. Everyone has their own personal opinion. I personally wish everyone would pull together. If we’re going to sit there and fight about it, nothing’s going to get done.”

A house divided

Research shows this country is more divided, and further apart than in the past. Political surveys indicate that Democrats still overwhelmingly support other Democrats and Republicans most often rally behind fellow Republicans, and both parties view the other as less intelligent and more selfish than themselves. In Congress, lawmakers instinctively veto bills that are introduced and supported by the other side, which undermines compromise and inevitably kills changes that may be important to voters, and the public good .Some legislators have advocated banning TV cameras from Congressional hearings, because many politicians play to the camera and seek to rally their base, instead of trying thoughtfully to reach collaborative decisions.

“We have indeed become much more polarized nation,” said Emily Baer, an assistant professor of political science at the University of New Hampshire. “In the 1940s to 1960s, if you looked at Democrats and Republicans, there were lots of liberals, moderates and conservatives in both parties. Today, as a whole, Democrats are very liberal and Republicans are very conservative. In the 50s and 60s, there was a mix of different viewpoints. Now, both are farther apart. Today, people are more likely to be upset if their family member is marrying someone from an opposition party."

According to surveys, the most popular label to choose right now is independent, said Baer, adding that 40 percent of voters nationwide now identify as independents. But they still behave like partisans when they go to the polls, she said. “There’s actually a very few number of true independents. When you think about it, it sounds better and smarter to say you’re independent. It implies you’re doing your own research and evaluating the issues independently” – even when your goal may be to avoid labeling and judgement by others.

Often political views and perspectives are tied to one’s generation and life experiences, which can differ considerably within families – even though studies show families frequently pass down political sympathies. Political alliances and hotly-debated views can create thunderclouds at family gatherings when people feel violated or betrayed by dissensions within their own tribe – the people they expect to think and act like themselves, according to psychologists and sociologists. No one wants to have a boiling disagreement with the people they love – especially one that shows no signs of being resolved.

Martha Kruse of Laconia belongs to Braver Angels of Northern New England, an alliance of Democrats and Republicans who hope the political parties and their members can learn to get along better, and understand where each other is coming from, without seeking to change each other’s opinions – even when the views are radically different from their own.  A prime goal is understanding. This month the group hosted its first online workshop,“Families and Politics,” which offered strategies for respectfully discussing your views with family members on the opposing side, based on conflict resolution techniques and lessons from family counseling.

The recent tutorial with breakout practice sessions drew about 75 people on Zoom from New Hampshire, Vermont and Maine, and also featured several attendees from New York and the West Coast.  Kruse said she recognized stereotypes that exist within her own family. While she loves her family members, their personal styles make it difficult to discuss sensitive issues without mudslinging or counterattacks.

“My brother would be the gladiator or the sniper” – roles that can involve grandstanding, intimidation, and insults to denigrate other opinions, according to workshop training, which is based on the work of a family counselor at the University of Minnesota.

 “I’m not going to be having Thanksgiving with (my brother) ever again,” Kruse said. “But with my sister’s family it could be interesting.”

One role that often crops up in tense situations is the peacekeeper, said Kruse. “It sounds like a great role to play, but the peacekeeper just keeps everything hidden under the rug. It’s still always there and it keeps popping up. The peacekeeper prevents the conversation from happening because they’ve got such an avoidance reaction.”

“We will never find middle ground if we just keep keeping the peace and not rocking the boat.” Kruse said. “We need to actually start rowing together.”

Braver Angels trains people to be engagers who can start respectful conversations in spite of differences. It’s important to remove antagonism and fear of judgement or retaliation at the start of the interchange, and establish sympathy and a sincere desire to hear.  The result can be more understanding and respect, said Douglass Teschner, regional leader of Braver Angels Alliance of Northern New England, which is part of a national group.

“A human trait is to be thinking about your next comeback. We’re all so loaded and ready to go. I don’t want to make my snarky comments,” said Kruse. “I want to be my best self.  It’s good for ourselves, and our communities.”

For more information, go to www.braverangels.org.