Church youth groups fill gaps to support mental health

LACONIA — In a youth lounge at St. Andre Bessette Parish Center, six teenagers take turns lunging and hurling a cue ball across a billiards table to knock out a lone eight ball during what has become a favorite pastime: pig pool.

“It’s the best-selling youth ministry game that we have found. But you have to be willing to beat up your pool table,” said Wesley Becklo, a youth minister and youth group leader at the Roman Catholic parish.

With evolving rules and no limit on players, the game is a welcome ice breaker and a pent-up energy release for as many as 20 teens who show up Wednesday evenings for a church youth group meeting that can muster as much loyalty as a team sport.

At a time when youth mental and emotional health are under siege and still reeling from the isolation of COVID, church youth groups, anchored in faith and community, are providing more than a religious foundation.

Rose Hynes, 18, who was homeschooled, said she found a ready, close-knit social group that became a source of meaningful bonds, and a forum for heart-to-heart talks as well as an oasis during painful times.

“It was an immediate feeling of acceptance,” said Hynes, who lives in Laconia. “Anyone that comes in,” public schooler, homeschooler or student from Holy Trinity Catholic School next door, “whatever has happened to them or whatever their story is, they’re included. I found friends who are willing to be with you when you’re not at your best. It doesn’t matter who you are or where you’ve come from. There’s a feeling that you can be open no matter what, that they’ll support you and not judge you.”

It's a sweet escape from the status-conscious, identity-testing and bruising world of teens, where validation and self-worth hinges heavily on appearance, popularity and achievement.

Although Hynes, a high school graduate, has officially aged out of this group, she is considering continuing staying on as a junior youth leader, helping new arrivals find the same supportive tribe.

“There are people here who have grown with me. I’ve come to love who they are, and not just that they’re there for me. I like to think I have lifetime friendships,” Hynes said. “Some people travel two hours to get here.”

In the wake of a pandemic that ushered in physical and emotional isolation and introduced life over Zoom, faith-based youth groups serve a meaty role beyond their mission of grounding teenagers in faith: they provide companionship, acceptance, a sense of belonging, a safe place to grow and be yourself, conversations with trusted adults who aren’t your parents, and a sense of being loved.

“Being part of a youth group pulls youth away from the social circles of high school, and the bullying and cliques that happen there,” said the Rev. Jason Wells, an Episcopal minister in Goffstown and former director of the New Hampshire Council of Churches. “Having a faith-based group of peers outside of that environment is a step away from the rest of the social circles they’re in. We talk about how we’re loved and valued and created by God, just the way we are.”

Because of popularity of the St. Andre Bessette Parish youth group through and beyond the pandemic, and parents and younger siblings meeting each other, a junior youth group formed in January for kids ages 9 through 12.

“We try to create authentic community,” said Seth Evangelho, one of the parish's youth ministers. “There’s a real identity crisis, especially for youth.” On smartphones and social media, “Your worth is defined by what you're good at, your looks, your status and how many hits you get on Instagram.”

“Your worth is based on how many people are commenting on your TikTok post,” Becklo said.

Round-the-clock technology created a social arena with instant feedback and nonstop access, a hyper awareness of yourself and what others are saying about you and people you know, with social ranking according to externals that include beauty, prowess in school, music and sports, family wealth and personal advantages and possessions. It’s become easier to come up short, and have that constantly reinforced.

“These external things should not be shaping our identity,” Evangelho said. “We fall apart when we start living in other people's minds and believe those things about ourselves.”

“Having a faith-based youth group teaches you that you’re loved and valued because you’re created by God. There’s nothing about your accomplishments that add value to you,” Wells said. “It’s different from the message [young people] get in other quarters of life.”

An outside group rooted in love and acceptance can be a game-changer for teens navigating an internet world without limits or morals, where exposure can breed can confusion and erode empathy and connection.

Anecdotally, New Hampshire has long been labeled as one of the least religious states in the country, according to measures such as worship attendance, involvement in youth groups and statements about whether religion is an important force in your life, said Wells, a pastor at St. Matthew's Episcopal Church in Goffstown. COVID further eroded the numbers, disrupting worship and Sunday school for families who got used to staying home.

“I heard from parents, ‘When we were out of the habit for two years, it’s hard to get my teenager to come to church,'" he said.

But the value of youth groups endures, Wells said. “Being loved and valued for who they are as God’s creatures made in the image of God. I’d like to think that’s an anchor for young people before they step out into the adult world.”

St. Matthew’s and former rector Rev. Bill Exner played major roles in founding Goffstown’s community response to youth suicide, and the congregation continues to support suicide prevention programs through Crispin’s House Coalition for Youth at Goffstown High School.

National surveys cited by federal mental health agencies and the National Alliance on Mental Illness show that the pandemic spiked anxiety and depression, especially in young and old people — but the crisis for youth had been building for nearly two decades. Self-harming behavior has recently skyrocketed in girls.

At a time when mental health and meaningful connections are faltering or harder to come by, faith-based youth groups are attracting a diverse and unexpected mix: kids raised in religious faith, from supportive homes with structure and clear expectations, alongside teens whose lives may be grounded in chaos, without guidance or responsible adults at home, and with uncertainty about the next meal.

“Some kids are innocent and some kids have been through hell and other kids have had beautiful childhoods. They’re all mixed together in youth group,” Evangelho said. “There are lots of little communities like schools, extracurricular activities and sports. These are good things but they don’t define you. If you have that deeper sense of belonging, your mental health is quite stable.”

With the members of the youth group at St. Andre Bessette, teens go to conferences and on mission trips and pilgrimages, which plunge them into helping people unlike themselves who are usually a lot less fortunate. This encourages humility and a sense of gratitude and shows the joy and core-building value of serving others, youth group leaders report.

“It directs your focus outward,” Becklo said.

“We don’t find fulfillment in ourselves,” Evangelho said. “When you learn to focus and care about the struggles others are having, you realize you’re not alone.”

Connections form that extend beyond youth group.

“One of the ways we know it’s working is when kids who didn’t know each other before have sleepovers. When they’re meeting outside this place, we know the connection is real,” Evangelho said.

During his 12-year tenure, there have been seven marriages between people who met in youth group, and many families have become friends, expanding the social network.

At Faith Alive! church on Primrose Street in Laconia’s industrial park, young people gather for dinner and games in a former warehouse space that now serves as a gymnasium, recreation center and cafeteria, with foosball, ping pong, pool, air hockey, indoor dodgeball and kickball and campfires outside when weather permits. Fun, socializing and Bible teaching aren’t the only missions.

The regular Friday night gathering of sixth graders through high schoolers serves two contrasting groups: home schoolers from evangelical Christian families and others who have no religious affiliation and little structure or affirmation at home.

“It’s about letting them know there are people who love them the way they are,” said Faith Alive! youth group leader Lynn Middleton. “This becomes their family.” For some, “This is a place of peace because their home doesn’t have that. They’re the ones who get here early and often leave late.”

The youth group serves as social outlet, but also an outreach to area families. Faith Alive! operates a food pantry, with provisions supplied by the New Hampshire Food Bank. The youth group’s 20 regulars include some who come from homes that don’t dependably have food.

“We have bags and baskets to drop off,” Middleton said.

Some of the children depend on church volunteers to bring them on Friday night. Staying for religious lessons is optional, but most elect to stay, said Pastor John Sanborn.

“They do want the word [of God]. They want to know there’s something more than chaos. What the world offers, there’s no peace in that, no forgiveness, no ability to truly understand what their needs are. Some are experiencing words of encouragement, love and affirmation for the first time,” he said.

Sanborn said there’s been a decline in youth mental health and functioning and family structure over the past 20 years that is unrelated to the pandemic. Overwhelmingly, kids are more disconnected and looking for a place to fit in.

“When it comes to that social piece, this gives them a group to fit into. It’s a piece of the puzzle that they’re missing,” Sanborn said.

“The hope is that the kids will invite their friends from school,” said Sanborn’s wife, Deb, who serves as an assistant pastor and church administrator. “Just having a safe place to come where they feel love. Sometimes they come from a family where there’s not a lot of love.”

The youth group leader becomes someone to contact during tense events or crises at home.

“I’ll get a call late at night,” Middleton said. “’Can you help me with this situation? Can you be praying for this situation?’ They know we’re here for that.”

One sixth grader at Faith Alive!’s summer camp left early one day, only to return 10 minutes later. “She said, ‘I don’t want to leave. I just want to stay here.’ It was worth running back in the blazing heat,” Middleton said. “She just wanted to be here for five more minutes.”

Sometimes she fills the gap as a surrogate parent.

“When you have a teen who doesn’t have a mom at home and they say, ‘Lynn, can you come to my football game?'” Middleton said as her eyes glistened. “I say 'Absolutely, we will come to your football game. We will support you.'”

During youth group on a recent Friday, 11 kids sat at two tables, eating pizza and drinking apple juice. Future plans for the space include rubberizing the floor and adding a basketball court. There’s currently a small wooden stage for kids who sing and play instruments and like to perform.

“It’s changed my life,” said Amelia Clark, a homeschooler, who has come for three years. “You aren’t forced to come. It’s a comforting atmosphere and no one’s going to judge you. I struggle with a lot of social anxiety, and this has made a big difference.”

“I get to hang out with kids my age,” said Middleton's daughter, Paris, 12, who has come since she was 7. “This place is amazing. It’s also a chance for me to spend time with girls, not just my brothers.”