Pleas for inclusion aired at transgender discussion in Gilford

GILFORD — Grace Alden of Plainfield retired in 2016 after 20 years with the Lebanon Police Department, much of it spent as a male detective – at odds with the gender identity she had felt since childhood. Although Alden’s daily assignments rated high on the exposure-to-trauma scale, nothing compared to the stress of transitioning to female. That involved four years of hormone therapy, starting in 2008, followed by another four years to assume her gender identity socially, she said.

Today Alden speaks to community groups about what it’s like to change genders – to make the profound and not-lightly-considered transformation that is consistent with one’s emotional life and honors who they are inside. Alden said it’s impossible for outsiders to understand unless they hear from someone who’s transitioned. 

Otherwise, transgender remains a concept, a foreign reality that others view with trepidation, little empathy and a near-complete lack of understanding.

Inclusion is all-important, said Alden, who spoke to roughly 30 people gathered at Gilford Community Church.

“Don’t take them out of the population and further marginalize them. The problem is not the trans kid, it’s the reaction to the trans kid,” who may experience bullying that needs to be dealt by dealing with the bullies. “In a complex society, it’s important to let people figure out” which gender they are, she said.

On January 6, the Gilford School Board plans to vote on the second reading of a draft transgender policy, which districts are required by state law to put in place. Gilford’s document has been reviewed and tweaked in multiple policy committee meetings, in response to public input, and in basic conformity with guidelines set by the state school board association’s legal experts.

In summary, Gilford’s proposed policy calls for including individuals in all activities, sports and school facilities that match their consistently-expressed genders, which may differ from the ones identified at birth.

Alden and Dr. John Turco, an endocrinologist, professor at Geisel School of Medicine, and director of Dartmouth College’s transgender clinic, spoke Tuesday in Gilford to a sympathetic audience, many of whom said they have transitioned friends and family members.  Some drove from Wolfeboro and Manchester to participate in the discussion.  Others came to connect with sympathetic peers, and add their name to a list for a local support group.  There were tears in the group as several shared personal experiences and pleas for inclusion.

“There’s a huge burden these poor individuals have," one parent said. "You can’t cry out because people don’t understand. They’re prejudiced against you, and say what you did was wrong.”

“Even when you have all the support in the world, it doesn’t always have a happy ending,” said Marcia Garber of Manchester, citing the high suicide attempt rate (41 percent, according to recent national statistics) for transgender individuals. Garber, whose son is transgender, said she came to support the local transgender community “because I’ve been in this space.”  

As a member of PFLAG, a national advocacy group of parents, families, and allies of people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer, Garber joined Freedom New Hampshire’s push to secure protection for the state’s transgender population in public, housing and employment.  So often outsiders think,“It’s a threat to gender thinking.  It’s a threat to culture. It’s a threat to ‘We’ve always done it this way.’”

“Gender non-conformity has been going on forever, even in the Bible,” Garber said. “But people feel it threatens their religious beliefs.  I had to leave my Catholic Church because I knew my kid wasn’t going to be accepted in totality for who he was.  It’s an issue that presses everybody’s buttons in every way.”

“It’s an issue in Gilford,” said Michael Graham, pastor of Gilford Community Church, which co-sponsored the event with Gilford Library and Hope Ministries of First United Methodist Church. “The general perception is that churches are homophobic, and not welcoming to everyone; 100 percent of the Protestant churches in Gilford are welcoming.”  

Abby Maxell, whose transgender child recently identified herself as female in second grade at Gilford Elementary School, said that when parents hear about her family’s struggle – particularly their daughter’s desire to assert her gender identity – a common remark is, “That’s unfortunate.” But that’s at odds with her child’s experience, Maxwell said. “My kid and the trans-people we’ve gotten to know are superheroes. They walk through life with so much courage.”

Turco, who’s followed the outcomes of 600 to 800 transgender patients, said it’s critical for their life satisfaction to help them transition and live in their affirmed gender, provided they’ve “consistently, insistently and persistently” expressed a need and desire to do so. Most of those who follow through “are successful, and lead happier lives,” he said.

Counseling can help with the contemplation, decision and transition, Turco added. Puberty can be medically delayed until a young person is certain of their gender identity, then hormone therapy can begin to achieve that end.  Most transgender individuals will identify their gender identity by age two or three, he said, although some don’t comprehend it until they’re 15 to 20. Transgender individuals comprise 1 to 2 percent of the U.S. population, and are more common than redheads, according to national data.

“Everyone in this room has interacted with transgender people multiple times,” said Alden, who works as a massage therapist and consultant after retiring from law enforcement. “The fact that you don’t know is evidence of how well we know how to hide.” Transgender people go to great lengths to be circumspect, to blend in while protecting the privacy of others in restrooms and locker rooms, she said.

While at the Lebanon police department Alden said she changed in toilet stalls and shower stalls so colleagues wouldn’t notice her physical transformation, or that she was sweating at her bra line under her bulletproof vest.  In restrooms and locker rooms, the danger is cisgender (gender at birth) people targeting transgender individuals, “not vice-versa,” Alden said. “We’ve been taught brutally to hide as a matter of safety.”

Education and single-use facilities are the most important things schools and communities can do to ensure success at becoming inclusive, Alden said. Bathrooms and private changing stalls in locker rooms can be retrofitted by hanging curtains from rods suspended from the ceiling for about $150 per locker room, she added.

Gilford schools currently have multiple single-occupancy restrooms, and there are plans to renovate school locker rooms in two years, said Superintendent Kirk Beitler.

Since the first draft of the district’s transgender policy provoked impassioned but respectful debate between supporters and skeptics at a school board meeting in October, some school board members said discussion has quieted and remained civil.

“What are the contents of the policy still at issue in Gilford? I believe it’s centered on the existence of transgender people with cisgender people,” Alden said.

“The kids don’t have a big deal with this. It’s really an adult issue,” said Peter Sawyer, principal at Gilford Middle School. “Just love them anyway. That’s what we try to teach our kids.”

•••

The Sunshine Project is underwritten by grants from the Endowment for Health, New Hampshire’s largest health foundation, and the New Hampshire Charitable Foundation. Roberta Baker can be reached by email at Roberta@laconiadailysun.com