Domestic violence can simmer for years

LACONIA — She was 19 and starting college. He was 24 and seemed to be in control of his life.  After she dropped out to marry him and have children, his cycle of mocking, belittling and taunting ran like a perpetual motion machine.

She didn’t recognize it as domestic violence, and thought it was happening because she did everything wrong. Fourteen years later, when she reached out to New Beginnings Without Violence or Abuse, she learned she was a victim of its subtler and more insidious forms: psychological and emotional abuse that dismantles one’s self-esteem and leaves victims feeling powerless and trapped.

“I was told no man would ever look at me.  I was told I wasn’t capable of doing things. I was told I was stupid.  When I said maybe I’d make a good Realtor, he’d laugh. It took me many years to save up birthday and Christmas gifts (checks from her parents) so that I could have money on my own, so that when I left, I was leaving with my own money.” A Lakes Region resident, she declined to be named because she fears his retaliation.

Since she left with their three children nearly three years ago, her sense of danger has faded, she said. But her estranged partner’s harassment continues through stalking, bullying by text messages to their court-appointed intermediary, monitoring her home life by interrogating their children (including requesting screen shots of chore lists posted on the refrigerator) and attempts to load a microphone app into their oldest son’s cell phone so he can listen in remotely.

“I’m safe,” she said. “I really just wish it would stop.”

The invasive acts fall one step shy of violating the law, she said. And although the ongoing pattern sounds extreme, police and domestic violence experts say it’s disturbingly common. Control and manipulation are standard tools of abusers, who feel entitled to their actions, and blame and belittle intimate partners and family members to establish dominance – paralyzing spouses and children, who feel guilty and fearful.

Domestic violence simmers as a cultural and societal evil across all income brackets, education levels, and neighborhoods – during the best of times as well as during times of public health crises and social and economic upheavals. In New Hampshire, the state’s 13 regional domestic and sexual violence crisis centers and shelters serve roughly 15,000 individuals a year, up to 304 individuals daily, compared to 13,000 to 14,000 in 2017, according to the New Hampshire Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence.

Since January, the statewide domestic violence hotline has received over 700 calls.  During the last 30 days, there’s been a 91 percent increase in traffic on NHCAD’s website, which lists resources for victims of domestic and sexual violence, said Pamela Keilig, public policy specialist at NHCADSV.  Last year, Laconia ranked in the top five municipalities statewide in number of protective orders filed (294 for the year, compared to 363 in Nashua and over 500 in Manchester).  The number of protective orders generally spikes in April, Keilig said, and drops between November and March.

After coronavirus restrictions abate, and certain social distancing practicing becomes a preventative norm, police and women’s shelters and crisis centers nationwide, including in the Lakes Region, predict a surge of requests for safe accommodations, restraining orders, transportation vouchers and money for food and essentials.

“People have been exploiting the pandemic to further exert control and manipulation,” Keilig said.  The state’s Division of Child, Youth and Family Services has “a lot more” domestic violence calls.  AT DCYF, reports of family violence are up and reports of child abuse is down.

Although most Lakes Region police departments have not experienced a noteworthy increase in calls related to domestic violence, 92 states and U.S. cities are currently reporting double-digit increases in calls to police and domestic violence hotlines, according to the National Network to End Domestic Violence. Boston police have experienced a 22- percent hike in calls since COVID-19 closures and sheltering-at-home took effect. New York City police have logged fewer reports, but hotline calls and visits to domestic violence websites have rocketed, according to NNEDV, and some large cities are reporting more severe violence and an increase in murder-suicides.  

New Hampshire’s 13 women’s crisis centers and shelters remain full, and those seeking new emergency accommodations are now housed in hotels in each crisis center region.

“Even if it isn’t COVID time, New Hampshire’s shelters are full because people are staying in shelters longer (six to 12 months) because they can’t find an affordable place to live. ‘Where am I going to go?’  That keeps then staying where they are, enduring it,” said Linda Douglas, trauma-informed services specialist at NHCADSV.

Douglas, who has worked for the coalition for 11 years and provides domestic violence response training to police departments and the NH Department of Health and Human Services, said roughly 85 to 90 percent of the state’s victims are women, and 10 to 15 percent of men. Males are less like to report domestic violence incidents or ongoing abuse, said Douglas, and the data doesn’t show what portion reflects violence and intimidation of men by men.

Social stigma, embarrassment, guilt and doubt keep both sexes from admitting there are problems – and fear of retribution from abusive partners further stifles reporting, Douglas said. “If I reach out, are people going to believe me, or think I’m a bad person?’ People will try to get help, then come up against barriers,” she said. ‘If you leave, I will kill you,’ and ‘If you leave, you’ll never see the kids again’ are common paralyzing threats, Douglas said.

Domestic violence experts point to personality traits often seen in batterers and abusers: a need to control and manipulate, and a feeling of entitlement, frequently in people that are charming and charismatic in public. Scott Hampton, a Dover psychologist who holds batterer education programs for several hundred court-mandated abusers each year, said when they feel out of control, they tend to blame their problems on others, including intimate partners, who may not recognize the malevolent behavior because it builds slowly over time.

Domestic abusers “find they can do it, it works, and nobody’s holding them accountable,” Douglas said. Victims grow accustomed to it and continue to feel they’ve somehow caused it.  Although they recognize triggers, they never know when it will erupt, she said.

Recent research into brain responses and the psychology of domestic violence victims shows that victims are held captive by “fight, flight or freeze,” which hampers cognition, their ability to assess the situation, think things through, and plan for the future. “A lot of victims live in their survival brain,” Douglas said.