Recovery from domestic violence is a journey

LACONIA — Sixteen years years after the abuse began, the local mother profiled in this story has a full-time job that allows her and three children to live independently, with intermittent financial help.

She said she's grateful for family and community support – including from Lakes Region Community Service’s Fast Forward Program for youth with behavioral issues, and the Boys and Girls Club of the Lakes Region, which provide wraparound services for her kids. And she’s especially thankful for New Beginnings Without Violence or Abuse – the local domestic and sexual violence crisis center for women and their families which serves 800 to 900 people yearly through its crisis line and local shelter.

For survivors, recovery from domestic violence is a journey. New Beginnings counselors helped her obtain a domestic violence protective order,  which "has been violated and renewed several times,” she said.

“When I left, that’s when things started to become physical. When I left the state (and came to New Hampshire two years go) ago, he followed me. She found New Beginnings after he held her hostage outside the apartment he had rented locally. “I was kind of naïve, thinking someone’s going to change or get better.  I thought it was important that my children have a relationship with their father.” He came to her workplace and refused to leave.

“When I got married I had no idea what I was walking into, and didn’t know what a healthy relationship should look like,” she said. “When people came to visit us or saw us I’d put on a happy face” and pretend that “everything was OK.”

Her best friend noticed his treatment of her and the children was worsening with time. “There’s a shame that goes with it,” she said. “You don’t understand why you’ve been treated this way. There must be something you’re doing wrong. It takes a while for you to realize that it’s not your fault, and you can be strong enough to walk away.”

She was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder after she left the relationship, and has been in counseling steadily for two years.  “I’ve had to learn to recognize who’s speaking to me, so I don’t go back to a traumatic situation in my mind, so I can recognize who’s speaking to me and consider the source.”  The side-effects of abuse – anxiety, hyper-vigilance, intrusive thoughts, nightmares, sleeplessness and depression – make coping harder. The pervasive lack of understanding in the community around domestic violence leads to shame and self-blame that make confiding in close friends and relatives difficult, and adds to the feeling of being silenced.

"The stigma of violence and abuse makes it difficult to report," said Pamela Keilig, a policy specialist at the NH Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence. "There's also the fear of not being believed and told it's not true. It's so hard for people to wrap their heads around that someone could be an abuser or a perpetrator of violence.  And it's really hard to admit and come to terms with the fact that you might be a victim." Marriage is still revered as a cultural ideal, and no one wants to be perceived as having a violent or defective marriage or family life, Keilig said. "It takes courage to admit it."

Meeting others who have been or are in similar circumstances is key to forgiving yourself and moving forward. “When you learn that you can share your story, and there are people out there who have gone through similar things. They too want to live knowing they’re not alone, and knowing there’s hope,” this survivor said.

“New Beginnings showed me how much that manipulation and control is abuse, and I had been living in that for a long time. The most important this is to reach out.  There are people who will support you and help you through it.  Now I have a good job, a supportive employer and am able to support my family. As scary as it is, it's worth it to find out who you are apart from the abuse.”

The 24-hr. National Domestic Violence Hotline can be reached at www.thehotline.org, or 1-800-787-3224, or text LOVEIS to 22522.