Sean Kavanagh: Don’t stop arguing, just argue better

I’m standing in a circle of boisterous protesters who disagree with most of what I believe. Their points of view are graphically evident in the banners they wave, and for many, the weapons on their shoulders. Sounds like a recipe for angry conflict, right? Wrong. I was actually having a civil conversation, that resulted in better understanding, and a handshake at the end. Here is what happened that day, and an invitation to join me for more conversations like this.

In collaboration with The Laconia Daily Sun, we plan to host a series of formal and informal events in which people from diverse backgrounds, beliefs and politics, will get together in person and argue. The goal is not to win or persuade, but to listen and discover common ground. I tried this recently and was pleasantly surprised by the outcome. Here is my story:

It was one of those bright blue sky, early November New Hampshire days and I was driving north on 93. I stopped to refuel in Concord and I decided I’d find a spot for lunch. While driving down Main Street, I noticed a boisterous anti-vaccination demonstration taking place in front of the State House. There were lots of American flags and banners in support of a range of right-wing causes, from Stop the Steal, to Free Staters, to Q-Anon.

I like to consider myself a well-informed, left-of-center voter, and my default reaction to demonstrations like this ranges from resigned indifference to demonstrative scorn. This time I decided to act differently. After I finished my lunch, I walked over to see what I could learn from people with whom I’d never had an actual conversation.

My thinking was influenced by the principles of an initiative called the Better Arguments Project, a group started at the Aspen Institute based on the premise that Americans don’t argue too much, they don’t argue well. I’d been reading their principles and have attended several training sessions on how to have a “Better Argument”. So, I decided to put their theories to the test.

As I walked towards the crowd, I was thinking about the two main tenets of Better Arguments: take winning off the table, and listen with empathy. I was determined to avoid getting into a debate by employing these principles. I approached a young guy who was wearing an anti-government t-shirt, waving an American flag, had a pistol in a holster on his hip and a large semi-automatic rifle slung over his shoulder. Not someone I’d usually hang out with but, OK, I thought, here goes.

Excuse me, I said, would you mind if I asked you a few questions? No, sir, he replied politely, what would you like to know? Full disclosure, I said, I probably disagree with most of what this demonstration is about, but I’m not here to debate you or convince you of my point of view. I’m genuinely interested in why you are giving up your sunny Saturday to support something you clearly feel strongly about.

He smiled broadly and seemed quite stunned that someone like me would care enough about someone like him to stop and ask a question. What followed was a friendly, respectful, exchange of perspectives. We probably spoke for close to an hour. At no point did we disparage one another’s points of view, call names or raise our voices. His name was Dave. He was a military veteran, a father, a Christian, a skeptic about government and an independent thinker. He called me “sir” a lot, and provided lengthy, thoughtful answers to my questions. He never reduced his answers to simple slogans, nor did he express his beliefs by mine. Principle 3, pay attention to context, became very clear as he talked about the broader context his life experience that formed him.

He also listened, respectively, to my perspective. He was genuinely interested in the story of my 90-year-old mother who lives in Britain where “big government” health care has kept her healthy, and free public transportation allows her to stay active. The more we talked, the more we found common ground. We are both Americans, he said, gesturing to his flag, as we exercised our freedoms of speech and assembly on the public square. We were also both fathers, and I watched as he gently monitored his young son, who was running around us, making sure he was having fun and staying safe.

A crowd gathered around us, listening to our conversation, curious by this exchange between their buddy, Dave, and this friendly-seeming liberal. At no point did I feel unsafe or threatened. In fact, most of them were smiling and nodding as they listened in. Nobody shouted at me, called me a commie or treated me like an intruder.

Another important Better Arguments principle is make room to transform. And that happened, to a degree, on both sides of this conversation. My fundamental views on the issues did not change. What did transform was my view of Dave and his compatriots. He was more like me than I would have thought. We were both dads, New Hampshire residents, Americans, and eager conversationalists. Did he transform? I think so, in similar ways. He was surprised and genuinely pleased to meet someone from “the other side” who took an interest in his views and with whom he found common ground.

We shook hands and took our respective selfies, then parted company. And for a moment, under a bright blue sky, under the State House dome, with American flags flapping in the breeze, we were less polarized. We weren’t enemies facing off for battle. We were members of the same tribe.

So, if you’d like to join a “Better Argument” please contact me at sean.kavanagh@fallrisker.com. We’ll likely start with an informal chat over coffee and I hope work towards regular, more formal events in the future.

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Sean Kavanagh is a resident of Center Harbor, recently retired after a career running an international leadership training firm that taught business executive how to lead by building authentic relationships with their teams and clients. He recently trained in the principles of civil discourse by the Better Arguments Project, part of the Aspen Institute. He can be reached at sean.kavanagh@fallrisker.com.