Sensible Seniors

“You know how many people are dead in there? They all are!” “You know why they have fences around cemeteries? People are just dying to get in!”

We would ask this as we drove past the acres and acres of cemeteries off the L.I.E., just past the acres and acres of high-rise apartments at Lefrak City, a huge complex in Queens of 18 story buildings housing over 15,000 people — the living and the dead.

Most of our visitors — having passed all of those graves, huge monuments spiking the skyline, humble headstones with testimonials of visitors with small rocks resting on the tops of the stones — would be in awe.

With Long Island so populated and Huntington with less than 5-percent of available space, I wondered why we still had burials or why have headstones rather than flat plaques. Why couldn’t it be more green space for everyone to enjoy? Calverton National Cemetery, built in 1978 in Suffolk County is 1,045 acres and as of the end of 2005, had 187,662 interments. While it isn’t just green space, all headstones are the same. It has a Veteran’s Circle with a committal “wheel” of five shelters for multiple funeral service. Caskets are moved into the hub of the wheel and then transported to their respective gravesites. When Pop Pop Duffy, a WWI vet was buried there, forty others were on the same day. You could hear the taped taps reverberating from every corner.

Today, the trend is less pomp and circumstance, more cremations and a much more personal remembrance of loved ones with verse, favorite songs, photo collages, eulogies and obituaries. Often we learn more about the person in death than we did in life.

Planning one’s own funeral might seem bizarre but it may save others from heart-wrenching decisions and foolish expenditures. According to the National Funeral Directors Association, the average cost of a funeral is $6,500 not including plot, marker, flowers and other expenses. Simple cremation might cost $1,500. It is common for the bereaved to “prove their love” in making decisions too quickly. Planning may ease bereavement and pave the way for more happy memories.

Shop around. Get price lists for funeral homes, pick and chose your items. You may use a funeral home for services; you may chose a church or elsewhere. It may be just a memorial service without the body eliminating the need for embalming, casket or staff. If you choose a casket, you may buy it from a third party or online and funeral homes must accept it. State laws do not require embalming nor casket liners (some cemeteries do).

You may choose to prepay your funeral services. Financial help is available. State, city or town welfare departments may provide benefits for those who are indigent or families who cannot pay for funerals. Currently state assistance is $750 for cremation while cities or towns may pay $500-$750 and families may not be asked to spend more. Social Security pays a small death benefit. Veterans are entitled to a free burial and a grave marker at a national cemetery. The New Hampshire State Veterans Cemetery is located on Route 3 in Boscawen. The American Veterans Cremation Program offers help with internment of cremated remains for veterans at no cost and for non-veteran spouse or other qualified member; the cost is $350. Contact the cemetery at 603-796-2026 or obtain a form at http://www.nhsvc.com.

About cremation: A casket is not required; state law does require a wood container. Embalming is not necessary. The body may be viewed before cremation. Most religions, except some Orthodox, accept cremation. Urns with remains may be brought into the church. Remains may be buried, interned, scattered on private property or kept. For NH state laws, refer to RSA 325-A and He-P 600 or ask for a copy of Cremation Authorization Form. Most funeral homes subcontract to a third party. An urn is not required by law; it does not have to be purchased as remains may be returned in a container.

We might choose to leave as we arrived - innocent, unburdened by material things and of equal importance. We might choose to spend those thousands of dollars on the living, not the dead. We might choose a big blast of a family reunion or we might go quietly into that dark night . . .

Upon seeing his elderly next-door neighbor cry over the recent lost of his wife, a four-year-old boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy just said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

We welcome your questions or contributions to our columns. Contact: call Brenda Baer 524-6349 or Dorothy Duffy 524-7683 or e-mail this paper at news@laconiadailysun.com.

— Dorothy Duffy

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