Labeling

Labeling is a process that exists in all families. It starts out almost innocently, sounding like a funny, offhanded comment that usually gets a laugh, often by someone who sees a vulnerability in someone. But, this dynamic has the potential to have long-term, detrimental effects on the recipient of the label.

Most of the time, the person receiving the label doesn’t have a choice. Somebody decides to call you: shorty, jock, dunce, brain, stud, teacher’s pet, mom’s favorite, fatso, klutz, cry-baby or sexy - and the process is off and running - and difficult to control. The label or caricature always has some validity to it, always fits to some degree, limits and pigeon-holes the person, limits the full range of their personality, almost turns a spot light on that characteristic and, unfortunately, magnifies and expands a small and limiting part of a person.

Labeling also has a bullying effect to it. That’s because the person receiving it didn’t choose it, they were innocently branded. However, if you are the recipient, you have a part to play in this negative process. You accepted the label. Why would someone do that? Usually, a stronger person provides the label and the recipient is afraid, at the moment, to do anything about it. But let’s remember, getting noticed when you are young and developing a personality, you love attention - any recognition - even negative. “Oh, thank God, someone has noticed me!” I have an identity. Anything is better than nothing.

Think about some of the names used when you were in school like: nerd, jock, brain, dummy, stoner. All of this naming is a way to try to identify people and put them into a group. This is so limiting because you now begin to see somebody as a member of a group rather than as an individual person that has a personality with many, different facets. If Joe got labeled a “jock” that’s the first thing you think about Joe when you see him or hear his name. You don’t look at the infinite number of other characteristics that make up Joe as a person. Like he happens to be very intelligent, very generous with his time in tutoring his fellow students, plays in the school band, and is a great dancer. When we do this, we miss the total package.

So today, I not only want to reflect on the labeling process and how it works; but, more importantly, I would like you to think about your participation in it.

First, stop using labels. Put yourself on guard; become more sensitive to it. Watch yourself for a while. Change! Speak up when you see the process happening; take a stand. If you hear a label, speak up. “I don’t like that; he/she is so much more than “a geek.”

If you were a target of labeling, remember, that you participated in the process, allowed it to go on. If you’re angry, you have a right to be angry. Stand your ground and speak up. “Don’t refer to me as that anymore. I don’t like it.”

What if you realize that you are a “labeler?” You probably thought of it as joking, teasing, harmless fun. Not so simple. Catch yourself, stop! Don’t waste time beating yourself up if you have been doing this. You have lots of company. But, now you know better. Make amends. Apologize. Say, “I am sorry;” these are very powerful words. Be pro-active; go to them; and correct the error.

Most adults, who have been carrying a label in their backpack, when they realize this dynamic, tell me that they might have needed the label for a time, but now want to work to remove it. Help them by stopping the labeling.

I want to thank a very good friend from Bristol for the suggestion to talk about labeling. We worked together for many years and he heard me talk about this process at a company meeting. He asked me to share it again. Please email me with any suggestions, questions or topics that you would like me to address. Let’s continue the discussion at www.familyconsultationservices.com/articles

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Tom Power is a family relationship consultant and the author of “Family Matters: A Layperson’s Guide to Family Functioning.” You can check out his website at www.familyconsultationservices.com or email questions to changeUprogram@gmail.com.