Family loyalty

Family loyalty, a strong and deep-seated value, is taught to us early on both in conversations, in people’s actions and behaviors - almost subliminally. There are so many verbal comments made amongst family members that teach us this; like, “he's family, he deserves special treatment; she’s an old and loyal friend of the family, she sits over here; and we don’t see them often, but they’re still family.

We are told where the boundaries of our family neighborhood are when we start venturing forth from our home, making our way into the neighborhood, entering school, "stick up for your brother, don't let anybody make fun of your sister, your family always has your back and sticks together!” That can be very comforting and grounding. It can build a closely-knit community. You will be included and invited to become part of family traditions - "we always go to the beach on Memorial Day, Christmas is always spent at Grandma’s, everybody strives to make each other’s birthday parties, and Thanksgiving is always at Aunt Sally’s watching the football games. I am emphasizing “always” because it appears to eliminate the quality of “choice.’ Every time you go, you have made a choice.

Family loyalty binds us together, protects us, strengthens us, gives us a real sense of belonging and can provide special opportunities. But an individual’s family loyalty becomes an issue when approaching marriage. Most newlyweds do not prepare well for this major step in the family life cycle transition. Most of the time engaged couples are so focused on the wedding that they are not even aware of what their first, crucial task is as a newly married couple. What is it? The goal is: Shifting of Primary Loyalty from the Individual's Family of Origin to the New Marital Relationship. This is so important for the new couple and it is one that causes long-term upset if not handled directly. Couples who do not handle this task well wind up with in-law problems for the rest of the marriage. The couple’s goal is to make their decisions in the best interest of the couple as well as each individual. Being a family therapist and knowing the pitfalls of this issue, I prepared well in advance. We were married in July and the first weekend in August while lying on the beach, I brought the topic up to my wife regarding where we were going to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas. She laughed out loud. What are you talking about? I am preparing to be alert and not get trapped in family loyalty issues. The holidays always present the first major test for newly married couples. I’m not saying that pulls and tugs weren’t felt in planning a wedding. However, the couple must begin to take stands as a couple and exert their will and not be influenced by old loyalties which need to be transitioned to loyalty to the new married relationship. It is a transition; it doesn’t happen overnight; but, you are making a big mistake to wait for parents to stop trying to influence your lives; they won’t. Start as soon as you can!

Here are a few dilemmas about which I have been asked to consult. Example #1 "My mother invited us for Christmas. I hope you didn’t say, Yes? I did. I thought we agreed that we wouldn’t make any extended family plans until we both had time to talk about a decision together? I know, my mom just caught me off guard, and I felt like I was going to be disloyal if I hesitated or said “No.” She was so happy and excited!” Consultant’s response: Yes, I am sure that she was delighted. But your primary task as a newly married couple is to shift your loyalty to your spouse. What traditions do the two of you want to build for the couple and the marriage?

Example #2 "My dad asked me after golf to spend Christmas with them at the lake. I couldn’t say “no.” Why not! What are my parents supposed to do? I’m their only child. You should’ve asked me first.” Consultant’s response: This couple came to see me after deciding to spend Christmas with both sets of parents - having lunch at the lake with his parent’s and then driving 2 hours in the other direction to have supper with hers. They told me that they fought all the way - there and back. That’s a lesson on how to ruin a Christmas - no one was happy, but at least by coming to discuss it with me, we could set them on a course that favored the marriage and ended old patterns of loyalty to their families of origin.

There is nothing wrong - and everything to gain - by getting along with your in-laws. The dilemma is that the newly married couple has conflicting loyalty ties and messages from years past. The new couple often does not take a stand early enough to define, support and establish the primacy of their new and developing relationship.

Let’s continue the discussion at: familyconsultationservices.com/articles

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Tom Power is a family relationship consultant and the author of “Family Matters: A Layperson’s Guide to Family Functioning.” You can check out his website at www.familyconsultationservices.com or email questions to changeUprogram@gmail.com.