Love maps

John Gottman, a well-known family educator, has defined “love maps” as “the little things about our partner’s life that you keep stored in your memory…that create a strong foundation for your friendship and intimacy.” I bring up these love maps because I think they are a practice that should be considered at any stage of your journey through the family life cycle. Over the last several weeks, we have proceeded from the dating phase, to the marriage phase, to the having a child stage and now we are in one of the longest phases of the family life cycle which is called: the family with children. This phase starts out with the birth of your first child and ends when you have launched your last child. This can be a long time; even more so now when we have children returning home either from losing a job, finding economic instability, or the break-up of their marriage.

I think that this time period - the family with children - is the most difficult period for a couple and the time when they need the most support. Let’s assume that the young couple has achieved a good balance in the first few years of their marriage. Adding a child, although a hallmark moment, has to upset the balance. Both careers may have to be adjusted; there is need for more help; there is increased financial responsibility; both parents have to assume parenting roles; and the marital system has to make room for a child.

The joy of having a child quickly turns into a major juggling act of time, energy and responsibilities. Is it any wonder why the degree of “marital satisfaction” is said to decline with the birth of each child? Couples who want to maintain long-term relationships, practice using love maps, those little memories of special times that give them the feeling of really being known, understood and desired. Here are just 7 of John and Julie’s “Love Maps” which I chose for you to evaluate and consider. When the focus naturally goes to the child and away from the partner connection, romance and intimacy decline. You have to have a plan to continually rekindle the marital flame and partnership. You just can’t keep on trucking - that will only lead to burn-out. Consider what the Gottman’s suggest:

“…we found that emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s worlds…have made plenty of cognitive room in their minds for their relationship. They remember the major events in each other’s histories, and they keep updating their information as the facts and feelings of their spouse’s world change. They know each other’s goals in life, each other’s worries, and each other’s hopes and dreams. Without such a love map, you can’t really know your partner. And if you don’t really know someone, how can you truly love them?”

So, I have chosen 7 “Love Map” questions for you to explore with your partner.

Love Map Questions:

1. Name my 2 closest friends.

2. What stresses am I facing right now?

3. What is my fondest unrealized dream?

4. What is my favorite way to spend an evening?

5. What would I consider my ideal job?

6. What is your fondest memory of US?

7. What is your favorite thing to do with me for fun?

By answering and deeply considering these questions, you will find out how much you know about each other and build a deeper relationship. Schools are opening; so, there is homework this week. I hope you are enjoying the column. Please remember to express yourself and ask some questions at:

www.familyconsultationservices.com/articles

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Tom Power is a family relationship consultant and the author of “Family Matters: A Layperson’s Guide to Family Functioning.” You can check out his website at www.familyconsultationservices.com or email questions to changeUprogram@gmail.com.