The family as a factory

When I think of a factory, I conjure up thoughts of an assembly line where individuals might add something to what already exists, create parts that will be put together at a later time, or a process that is followed to produce a product or outcome. Well, the family produces the country’s most valuable product, children. These products will last for an average of 70 years and will interact, exchange and communicate with thousands of other people. Yet, how much support does the family really receive to perform this awesome responsibility? I think, not nearly enough.

Just stand outside any school (when they are open) and watch the students arriving. How many are coming from two-person, single parent or re-married family households? How many grandparents are holding the family structure together? Families are under extreme pressures. Today’s family is producing the future of tomorrow.

Parents teach and model relationship building skills to their children every day in so many different ways. This is where they learn how to relate, share and communicate…how to be in and conduct relationships. It is in the midst of these family interactions where they will learn how to choose to make friends, build relationships and, eventually, choose their future mates. What they see you do, or not do, in your interactions and relationships will far outweigh any words you will try to teach or tell them later on. What an awesome responsibility!

Think about it for a second. How does a person learn how to select a friend or partner? Watching their parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles. Yes. They are like sponges. If you are kind, generous and communicate well, they will learn those essential skills. If you are needy and latched on to the wrong guy, your daughter will be inclined to do the same. If your husband was a bully, your daughter will likely be submissive to her boyfriends and your son will intimidate and treat women as objects. They are learning your behaviors.

There is little doubt in the minds of family consultants and educators that the family’s interactions and relationships are significant determinants in career choice and mate selection.

I can tell you a myriad of stories of how grown adults lament their career choice because they were trying to please their parents’ wishes. Time spent in the family factory and the stories told help cement the idea as though the career decision was his/her own. We can all identify someone who fits this description. It is a little more difficult to see how the seeds of partner selection are homegrown and factory produced. Here is a brief example. A wealthy family wanted their daughter to marry a doctor. It was acceptable for her to go to nursing school because that, in her tradition, was a socially acceptable career, provided a practical education, and gave her the opportunity to work part-time after kids. However, the young woman went to nursing school and fell in love with a nurse practitioner. He came from a modest family but had achieved the highest educational and professional status of anyone in his family. It is also important to point out that the daughter is going through a major stage of rebellion with her controlling and demanding father - a battle of wills. She is tired of seeing how he has controlled her mother, who had no career and built her life around supporting his. He tries to discourage his daughter’s romance; when that fails, he tries to convince her finance that maybe he should consider “going all the way” and become a doctor. He would even help with the financing.

This causes a major blow-up between the daughter and her finance against her father, driving the couple closer together. Do things work out? Doesn’t really matter now. What matters is knowing the real dynamics going on in each family - from the beginning - before trying to bring two unique families - their issues and traditions - together.

The family (factory) that you grew up in produces and creates the issues that you and your partner will spend your marriage trying to navigate. The issues that couples fight over are ones that were started and developed in their own family of origin - starting before the couple ever met. The factory method doesn’t work very well for most of us. The best thing you can do is find yourself a good family educator or consultant - get him/her to help you figure out what you are bringing from your family tree (backpack) - and begin working on YOUR issues. Hopefully, you have a wise enough partner that he/she will do the same. The sooner a married couple starts doing this consulting work - the fewer emotional and relationship problems they will encounter…and in turn, not pass the same issues on to their own children. Needless to say, I am a huge advocate of exploring family relationship issues before people get married. That is a prevention model…not too many people follow this recommendation and, unfortunately, we continue to have a divorce rate of 50% and a re-divorce rate of 60%. Let’s keep talking about this at www.familyconsultationservices.com/articles

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Tom Power is a family relationship consultant and the author of “Family Matters: A Layperson’s Guide to Family Functioning.” You can check out his website at www.familyconsultationservices.com or email questions to changeUprogram@gmail.com.