Adult-o-lescence Finally

In this final article on The Family During Adolescence, I want to discuss a common battle between parent and adolescent which has to do with the intersection of the parent’s career success and the academic performance of the adolescent.

This is another common area where parents with unresolved issues about their own career or the lack thereof can put undue pressure on the children. A father who is feeling unsuccessful about his career achievements could overreact to his son's shoddy performance at school screaming, “how can you waste this opportunity?” Or, a mother might pressure her daughter to have a career because she never had one. In both of these cases, the parents might mean well but their own unresolved feelings cause them to overreact producing negative results. The flipside of this situation is the adolescent who looks at the successful career path of the parent(s) and the price tag they paid for it and says, “no way am I going to kill myself like that… it isn't worth it!" I worked with many young adolescents whose parents were corporate 500 executives and the common theme was the resentment the adolescent had for that parent because they were never home, they knew little to nothing about their child's life, never came to a school activity, and usually took poor care of the other parent. These adolescents had an ax to grind with that parent and were willing to do poorly themselves, ruin their academic standing as a way of sticking it to the parent by saying, “you can't make me do it!”

The Last Adolescent to Leave: This is a cautionary story that I have seen too much of in my office. This child sometimes plays a very unique role in the parents’ marital relationship. He/she would have a finger on the pulse of “how their relationship is doing.” In an unconscious way, the adolescent is asking him or herself the question, “is this marriage good enough to make it after I leave?” This is certainly not most adolescents, but some.

There are always a number of seniors — let’s designate them as the last adolescent at home — who either don't graduate because they failed some silly requirement, or they graduate but then have some type of a tailspin during the summer that keeps them from going off to college or leaving home. They may go to a community college or get a job; but staying around will fill-in the empty space between their parents. Usually, there is one parent who suddenly and unconsciously encourages the child to stay at home implying that they are not yet ready to leave and another year or two at home will give them the preparation and confidence to make it. Don't get me wrong. Some adolescents should spend another year or two preparing themselves to leave home, but nobody should stay home to help balance their parent’s marriage. It is important to note that in such situations, the adolescent is also playing a negative part in this drama, and it will be necessary for the adolescent to take a close look at what he or she is getting or accomplishing by playing this dysfunctional roll. Does the adolescent love the attention even though it is negative, that his/her disruptive behavior causes? Is this the only way he/she can be noticed and feel important? This common “child-focused” triangle has three people who are all involved and collaborating in a dysfunctional pattern. This case example is an unconscious family dynamic that happens too often. It usually gets uncovered in a consulting session. I mention it here for its preventive value.

Although both parents and adolescents need to be doing their part in negotiating this stage, I like to emphasize the tasks that parents need to accomplish. The greatest power and ability to make things work in a family rest with the parents, since they are the adults and more mature members of the family. If the parents have their act together, the entire family has a better chance of successfully accomplishing the tasks of this stage.

Adolescents can be seen as a bridge or connector between the traditions of the past and what will happen in the future. It is a time of new ideas, causes and movements that vibrate through the family — a time when the older generation cringes at the hairstyles, music and dress hoping that it will pass. It is often a period where the pendulum swings far to one side before it returns to a more moderate course in young adulthood. One important way for parents to help their adolescent negotiate the turmoil of adolescence is to stay “self-focused” on their own tasks. The fewer unresolved issues they are facing the better able they will be to objectively help their adolescent negotiate this difficult stage.

It is important during the swings of this stage not to “throw the baby out with the bathwater,” that is, not to throw away a good relationship that has been developing over 15 or more years because the adolescent wants his or her hair or music a certain way or because he or she makes one mistake and gets into some trouble. Adolescence is a time of troubles, but families can turn mistakes into learning experiences rather than into broken relationships. Let's continue any further discussion at: familyconsultationservices.com/articles

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Tom Power is a family relationship consultant and the author of “Family Matters: A Layperson’s Guide to Family Functioning.” You can check out his website at www.familyconsultationservices.com or email questions to changeUprogram@gmail.com.