To The Daily Sun,
Here at the National Center for the Study of Absurdity, we have been overwhelmed by the rise in bizarre behaviors and quotes recently. Our servers almost crashed!
Welcome to another edition of Tea Party Potty Pestilence. We start off with a real "House Party"! Reporters and lawmakers alike at the House of Representatives say the House floor reeked of alcohol on the night the Tin-Foil Brigade shut down the government. Maybe Boehner was handing out checks from the liquor lobby, too. Next door on the Senate floor, DC's most ridiculous person, Ted Cruz, had not the slightest idea what the moral of the story in "Green Eggs and Ham" was. Being SO SO smart he must have skipped too many grades because as Slate put it, "In broad strokes, it's a book advocating openness to experience". That is hardly a strong trait found in the Tea Party. Junior may not be as crazy as is father though. The festering Rafael Cruz claimed Mr. Obama pledged to "side with the Muslims" and warned that Obamacare meant periodic "suicide counseling" for the elderly. You can't make this stuff up! But its a close race for crazy because the youngster Cruz has recently stated that members of the U.S. military will be helping al Qaeda in Syria. Have you heard about the latest in Obama Derangement Syndrome memes? Obamacare means forced home inspections and implanted chips in babies born in 2014 onward! And this week's Tin-Foil hat goes to.......
Speaking of Green Eggs and Ham. In Little Rock, Arkansas, 61 year-old life-long Republican Butch Matthews bought the Silver Plan on the exchange earlier this week and expects he'll save close to $13,000 in 2014. Says Matthews as he and his wife stood gleaming for the camera, "I'm so happy that this came along". Me too, Butch, I'm 63 and when my wife changed jobs in July we lost our insurance.
Winning the Rip Van Winkle Award this week is Rand Paul. Junior Paul seemed to have just regained consciousness after a few years of sleep-walking around DC and said shutting down the government over President Barack Obama's health care reform law was a productive exercise "because we haven't had a big debate about Obamacare, really, since it passed." Well, Sleepy, the time for major debates isn't after a law is debated, passed and then affirmed by the United States Supreme Court. Tweaks will certainly come and Rand can make suggestions if he hasn't re-entered his customary glassy-eyed somnambulist state.
Topping our charts as the dead-cold-stiff with no pulse winner this week is Arizona millionaire Rep David Schweikert, who claims shutting down the government Is "My Idea Of Fun!". The most hilarious hullabaloos came from our three well known runner-ups to the most ridiculous person in DC. Michele Bachmann, Louie Gohmert, and Steve King, fresh from Egypt where they praised the military coup, put together winning performances with their trade-mark logorrhea at the WWII Memorial. After voting to shut down the government, they seemed outraged that the memorial was closed! You read that right. Unfortunately this demented hypocrisy is one of the far right's "values".
Evidently envying the Three Louseketeers' place in the Hall of Shame, Texas Rep. Randy Neugebauer strongly objected to the Park Service's closing of the War Memorial. How dare they! Neugabauer, who voted for the government shutdown angrily berated a park ranger as if he was still wet behind the ears. In a petition that circulated afterward, one person wrote, "It's absolutely absurd that the very individuals who have caused this shutdown act as if they are the victims." Absurdity is what we like at the Center! As if that hypocrisy didn't make you reach for your high-end Alaskan Winter barf bag that is guaranteed to handle a Howitzer of a Hurl, American Family Association's spokes-lunatic Bryan Fischer claimed that the president would like nothing more than to "arrest these vets, haul them off to jail, handcuff them to a cot." He also said Hillary would be the first lesbian president if elected. Yup, my Rainbow Flag is ready! This is the same homophobic bigot who revised history by saying the Hitler's Nazi Party started in a gay bar.
Not alone on the outer fringes of absurdity, Morning Star's TV Preacher Rick Joyner called for a military takeover of the Obama presidency because democracy was "doomed" unless the Lord imposed martial law. "We're headed for serious tyranny, a terrible tyranny right now" he said. Did I miss something? Okay, maybe its because I ditched my cable because I could no longer afford barf bags when I watched Fox.
Traveling with the Tea Party Psychiatric Ward on their field trip to the Big City, Arkansas Rep. Tim Griffin followed up his initial tweet reporting gunfire by blaming the shooting on President Barack Obama and some Democratic congressional leaders. That, readers of The Sun, is what Obama Derangement Syndrome Memes do to weak and vulnerable minds. Winning the "Is He on Crack?" competition in this edition, conservative talk show host Stan Solomon went on a wild frothing and foaming rant claiming that Trayvon Martin deserves to be dead. Huh? Oh, and left wingers are godless servants of Satan,....er, like gays, right? Joining the Mad Cow herd on the Psych Ward's field trip is Washington Times columnist Jeffrey Kuhner, who warned that President Obama is pushing an agenda of "Christophobia" that seeks the destruction of the family, Christian culture and Christian civilization. I'll bet this guy buys Tin Foil in bulk! Mr. Kuhner also spittle splattered, "Liberalism is responsible for more deaths than Nazism or Soviet communism." Don't forget the Muslims, Mr Kuhner! The Muslims! Where is your glassy-eyed patriotic Islamaphobia today?
As I noted in the last edition, after cutting food stamps for millions of poor children, veterans and disabled people, the Devil and his Angels were in conference trying to figure out how to kill the WIC (Women with Infant Children) and TANF Programs. Well, celebration abounds in the "This Is My Idea of FUN!" camp because Forbes.com reported fabulous news for the sociopaths on the Hill. The Forbes headline is "9 Million Moms And Babies At Risk As WIC Program Halts". Nice work! Because some food-safety operations will also cease operations some corporate leaders will spontaneously break into dances of delirious delight.
Gimme My Paycheck! After voting to damage millions of lives financially, North Carolina Rep. Renee Ellmers told a Raleigh TV station she would continue to accept and keep her paycheck during the shutdown because "I need my paycheck. That's the bottom line." Really! Two million federal workers thrown out the airlock into the cold vacuum of no-paycheck space and she thinks SHE is SO special! Millions of veterans may not receive benefits if the shutdown lasts more than two weeks and SHE needs her paycheck! Nutritional programs for women, infants and children could be disrupted after a week, Financing for small businesses could be hampered and SHE needs her paycheck! 400 national parks, museums and sites across the country will close shop and the National Parks Conservation Association estimates that local communities alone could lose some $30 million in business for every day of the shutdown and SHE needs here paycheck!. As the Tea Party Pestilence once again sickens our economy with more calculated slow downs, SHE needs her damn paycheck!
In too gross to mention but I will mention it anyway because its a matter of public health, especially now that we are in the flu season, a study of holy water in churches revealed it was contaminated with some very unfriendly microscopic thingies. This finding shouldn't surprise anyone who knows where humans put their hands and fingers. The Washington Times headline was, "Most holy water contaminated with fecal matter". And you were worried about hot tubs. Most people are not trusty hand washers. Just ask the victims of Typhoid Mary who didn't wash her hands enough after, well, you know.
In the next edition, we at the National Center for the Study of Absurdity will bring you the most absurd in science, sex, and religion that there just wasn't enough space for this week. This will include a bombshell dropped by Billy Graham's grandson Boz Tchividjian, who is a law professor at Liberty University.