To The Daily Sun,
I have decided to run for the Senate in 2018 because 23 Senate seats open that year and I will need some time to research which state to move to and have time enough to meet the residency requirement.
I have already ruled out New York. My dear, deep, wonderful, longtime friend whom I have never met (but have seen on the television a lot), Rudi G. lives there and might decide to run. Florida is out because I have read that Rick Scott is strongly considering challenging Bill Nelson (D) who is running for a fourth term. I have family there to help secure the Scott vote.
I have really learned exactly what I need to do, having been so involved in the election campaigns these last two years; well, not personally involved, but it's just been on the television so much you couldn't help but pick up a bunch of tips. I will use the (D) to mean "Dependent" because what I am for will "depend" on what you want. And I have learned that you must stick to your message, even if you have to lie about it.
Opposition research is going to be hard at work, but I will be able to count on the press not to talk about any of it; another reason for the (D). This year has really shown us all how to deal with opposition research. First, I won't be able to talk about any of it until my staff has had a chance to review it. All of it will have been stolen by the Russians and leaked by Wikileaks.
Right off the bat, I will be called a "racist" since I'm white and the Russians can't do anything about that. Really, I'm not a racist — my heavens. I have to lie to my primary care doc about how much exercise I do just so she won't recommend another pill or "green leafy vegetable."
They might say I'm misogynistic but I have a couple of female friends. I am not homophobic. After all, I attended a gay wedding once and have worked with more than a few, shall we say "happy" people — Bob, you're my favorite — there; I even like men.
I can't be xenophobic; well, unless that's about spiders. There not my favorite. They will say I'm old. But I will argue that means I have more experience; none of which is useful but doesn't seem to matter. I will vote for term limits because I won't be around long enough to be affected by them; another great strategy I have seen employed by those in Congress along with exempting themselves from things they want no part of personally.
No one can say I'm just doing this to get on the government dole. I am already on Medicare and Social Security. I know I have a lot of issues, but isn't that what campaigning is about? I don't flip or flop; very steady on my feet. I am not on record as having been for something before I was against it. But then again, who can remember as far back as the weekend?
Oh, and I don't tweet and I rarely text. The first person I ever texted was my daughter who accused me of not being her mother and called the authorities because "My Mother doesn't text!" She's over that now and we're back on speaking terms.
I'm on Facebook, but have kept that pretty mild — pictures of the grandchildren which I can power up at a moment's notice to discuss with the attorney general should I accidentally meet her out on the tarmac as her plane roles in right beside the one I borrowed specifically for that occasion, recipes from my sister who doesn't cook, etc. I will have to do something about my email account though. I have three accounts and only one device. Should I get a device for each or just one server?
Here's the one weakness I think I have — well, perhaps there are two: I'm not quite crazy enough at this moment but honestly, I can really work on that one. My biggest problem may be getting really close to someone high up in the Justice Department or the FBI. I just might not have time enough to work on that relationship to solidify them in my corner — again, another issue I can't count on Vlad to help with. Vlad? Another one of my very dear friends whom I haven't met but have seen riding that gorgeous horse, without a shirt, uphill, both ways — was there snow?
I'm going to start a foundation right now and I'm doing research on how the current candidates for office worked theirs to their advantage. I do have a fee schedule in place for speeches and I'm working with Go-Daddy for a website to promote this. Of course the feminist groups will protest. Just have to hope that the speaking schedule this will generate will not interfere with campaigning. But then I can get some surrogates and all I can pay them with a job somewhere in the government.
My sister-in-law is picking up all the campaign signs from this year and we will recycle them so that should secure votes from the EPA and other government agencies so fond of recycling people. Another thing I learned this year is that you can "self-identify." Who knew! That could be a distinct advantage. So many things I've learned for the first time these past few years just by watching television.
My office in D.C. won't have to be big because if I am elected — what's this "IF" — I AM going to win YUUUGE, believe me. I will have my trusted aide, who will also be my lawyer and in charge of my server and foundation, in the Senate every day and I will instruct her how to vote. I love to vote and I vote early and often. Remember: You want it — I'm for it!