To The Daily Sun,
Where is the best place to hide money from a Republican? In a science book. That is the view of the Center for the Study of Absurdity as we bring you a special "Candid Candidates" edition of Tea Party Potty Tricks. Keeping our promise to always keep 'the stupid in the news, our opening act is top shelf stupid.
While defending coal and denying climate change last week GOP, Kentucky Sen. Brandon Smith visited the Outer Limits in a discussion in the Interim Joint Committee on Natural Resources and Environment. Here is more proof that you can hide your money in science books if there are Republicans nearby.
Mr. Smith reduced himself to smithereens with this precious gem astounding nonsense, "I won't get into the debate about climate change. But I'll simply point out that I think in academia we all agree that the temperature on Mars is exactly as it is here. Nobody will dispute that. Yet there are no coal mines on Mars. There's no factories on Mars that I'm aware of."
That beats last month's congressman without brains who claimed that global warming is a hoax because the dinosaurs went extinct without global warming. No, really!
Going from jaw-dropping to eye-rolling syncope, Republican Bob Frey, a candidate for the Minnesota House of Representatives informed us "AIDS was caused by sperm enzymes entering the anus of another male." Frey's junk science of sperm is at the base of his economic policy addressing the costly gay agenda its financial impact. You read that right. He also worked with Michele Bachmann to defeat a "profiles in learning" education program in Minnesota. (Well, that's working!)
Our biggest laughs this week were provided by Jordan Haskins, GOP candidate for the Michigan House. Mr. Haskins is presently a parolee after convictions for breaking into cars and rubbing it out while touching the ignition wires together. He calls it "cranking." Mr. Haskins now want everyone to forget his Adventures in Wankerland because he is now the self-anointed "stool of conservativism." He said that.
In a North Carolina State Senate race, Steve Wiles is trying to explain away some things. In the past he was the drag queen Miss Mona Sinclair at the Miss Gay America Pageant. We here at the Center, love the arts and we are sorely disappointed that our favorite drag queen is now running on an anti-gay marriage platform.
Our Ayn Rand Super Sociopath Award goes to John Johnston, a Republican running for the 10th Indiana House seat. Mr. Johnson boldly went where no moral or sane man goes. While speaking of those in poverty, he said, "No one has the guts to just let them wither and die." I imagine the Democrat candidate just got a poll bump.
Moving on to more mayhem and death, candidate Scott Esk of the Oklahoma Tea Party wins July's Christian Taliban Award. In a Facebook conversation about stoning gays to death, he has stated, "(stoning gays) goes against some parts of libertarianism, I realize, and I'm largely libertarian, but ignoring as a nation things that are worthy of death is very remiss." Asked to clarify, Esk continued, "I never said I would author legislation to put homosexuals to death, but I didn't have a problem with it." Not a problem in the world!
Close on Esk's theocratic heels is Jody Hice of Alabama, a Baptist minister and a talk radio host. Mr. Hice, who is running for a U.S. House seat from Georgia, is running on a religious liberty platform. Except for Islam, of course. Islam isn't a religion and First Amendment rights don't protect Muslims because Islam is political. Mr. Hice has also voiced some extreme religious notions about women that are remarkably similar to Muslim gender politics that the Christian right pretends to hate. According to Hice, it's okay for a woman to run for office as long as she is running under the authority of her husband. Christian Sharia is okay, I guess.
Since the gay marriage ban in Wisconsin was recently struck down, Karen Mueller, candidate for the 3rd District seat has some words of wisdom for the fearful and crazy. Mueller wants you to know that marriage equality will lead to incestuous marriages.
Its "Face-palm for Absurdity" time. Who can forget Answers in Genesis' (AIG) Ken Hamm? Mr. Hamm has consulted his crystal ball about space, time, matter, and energy in AIG's website section for kids section on star distances. Hamm sprinkles his fairy dust, saying, "We know from the dates God gives us in the Bible that He did create the whole universe about 6,000 years ago. When we hear the term light-year, we need to realize it is not a measure of time but a measure of distance, telling us how far away something is. Distant stars and galaxies might be millions of light-years away, but that doesn't mean that it took millions of years for the light to get here, it just means it is really far away!" BUT! millions of young Earth creationist heads have recently exploded throughout the nation as Pat Roberston told a viewer that "he had to be deaf, dumb, and blind, to think the Earth is only 6,000 years old." We agree!
Psst....Hide it in the science book.
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