To The Daily Sun,
Here at the National Center for the Study of Absurdity, we have been overwhelmed by the rise in bizarre behaviors and quotes recently. Our servers almost crashed!
Welcome to another edition of Tea Party Potty Pestilence. We start off with a real "House Party"! Reporters and lawmakers alike at the House of Representatives say the House floor reeked of alcohol on the night the Tin-Foil Brigade shut down the government. Maybe Boehner was handing out checks from the liquor lobby, too. Next door on the Senate floor, DC's most ridiculous person, Ted Cruz, had not the slightest idea what the moral of the story in "Green Eggs and Ham" was. Being SO SO smart he must have skipped too many grades because as Slate put it, "In broad strokes, it's a book advocating openness to experience". That is hardly a strong trait found in the Tea Party. Junior may not be as crazy as is father though. The festering Rafael Cruz claimed Mr. Obama pledged to "side with the Muslims" and warned that Obamacare meant periodic "suicide counseling" for the elderly. You can't make this stuff up! But its a close race for crazy because the youngster Cruz has recently stated that members of the U.S. military will be helping al Qaeda in Syria. Have you heard about the latest in Obama Derangement Syndrome memes? Obamacare means forced home inspections and implanted chips in babies born in 2014 onward! And this week's Tin-Foil hat goes to.......
Speaking of Green Eggs and Ham. In Little Rock, Arkansas, 61 year-old life-long Republican Butch Matthews bought the Silver Plan on the exchange earlier this week and expects he'll save close to $13,000 in 2014. Says Matthews as he and his wife stood gleaming for the camera, "I'm so happy that this came along". Me too, Butch, I'm 63 and when my wife changed jobs in July we lost our insurance.
Winning the Rip Van Winkle Award this week is Rand Paul. Junior Paul seemed to have just regained consciousness after a few years of sleep-walking around DC and said shutting down the government over President Barack Obama's health care reform law was a productive exercise "because we haven't had a big debate about Obamacare, really, since it passed." Well, Sleepy, the time for major debates isn't after a law is debated, passed and then affirmed by the United States Supreme Court. Tweaks will certainly come and Rand can make suggestions if he hasn't re-entered his customary glassy-eyed somnambulist state.
Topping our charts as the dead-cold-stiff with no pulse winner this week is Arizona millionaire Rep David Schweikert, who claims shutting down the government Is "My Idea Of Fun!". The most hilarious hullabaloos came from our three well known runner-ups to the most ridiculous person in DC. Michele Bachmann, Louie Gohmert, and Steve King, fresh from Egypt where they praised the military coup, put together winning performances with their trade-mark logorrhea at the WWII Memorial. After voting to shut down the government, they seemed outraged that the memorial was closed! You read that right. Unfortunately this demented hypocrisy is one of the far right's "values".
Evidently envying the Three Louseketeers' place in the Hall of Shame, Texas Rep. Randy Neugebauer strongly objected to the Park Service's closing of the War Memorial. How dare they! Neugabauer, who voted for the government shutdown angrily berated a park ranger as if he was still wet behind the ears. In a petition that circulated afterward, one person wrote, "It's absolutely absurd that the very individuals who have caused this shutdown act as if they are the victims." Absurdity is what we like at the Center! As if that hypocrisy didn't make you reach for your high-end Alaskan Winter barf bag that is guaranteed to handle a Howitzer of a Hurl, American Family Association's spokes-lunatic Bryan Fischer claimed that the president would like nothing more than to "arrest these vets, haul them off to jail, handcuff them to a cot." He also said Hillary would be the first lesbian president if elected. Yup, my Rainbow Flag is ready! This is the same homophobic bigot who revised history by saying the Hitler's Nazi Party started in a gay bar.
Not alone on the outer fringes of absurdity, Morning Star's TV Preacher Rick Joyner called for a military takeover of the Obama presidency because democracy was "doomed" unless the Lord imposed martial law. "We're headed for serious tyranny, a terrible tyranny right now" he said. Did I miss something? Okay, maybe its because I ditched my cable because I could no longer afford barf bags when I watched Fox.
Traveling with the Tea Party Psychiatric Ward on their field trip to the Big City, Arkansas Rep. Tim Griffin followed up his initial tweet reporting gunfire by blaming the shooting on President Barack Obama and some Democratic congressional leaders. That, readers of The Sun, is what Obama Derangement Syndrome Memes do to weak and vulnerable minds. Winning the "Is He on Crack?" competition in this edition, conservative talk show host Stan Solomon went on a wild frothing and foaming rant claiming that Trayvon Martin deserves to be dead. Huh? Oh, and left wingers are godless servants of Satan,....er, like gays, right? Joining the Mad Cow herd on the Psych Ward's field trip is Washington Times columnist Jeffrey Kuhner, who warned that President Obama is pushing an agenda of "Christophobia" that seeks the destruction of the family, Christian culture and Christian civilization. I'll bet this guy buys Tin Foil in bulk! Mr. Kuhner also spittle splattered, "Liberalism is responsible for more deaths than Nazism or Soviet communism." Don't forget the Muslims, Mr Kuhner! The Muslims! Where is your glassy-eyed patriotic Islamaphobia today?
As I noted in the last edition, after cutting food stamps for millions of poor children, veterans and disabled people, the Devil and his Angels were in conference trying to figure out how to kill the WIC (Women with Infant Children) and TANF Programs. Well, celebration abounds in the "This Is My Idea of FUN!" camp because Forbes.com reported fabulous news for the sociopaths on the Hill. The Forbes headline is "9 Million Moms And Babies At Risk As WIC Program Halts". Nice work! Because some food-safety operations will also cease operations some corporate leaders will spontaneously break into dances of delirious delight.
Gimme My Paycheck! After voting to damage millions of lives financially, North Carolina Rep. Renee Ellmers told a Raleigh TV station she would continue to accept and keep her paycheck during the shutdown because "I need my paycheck. That's the bottom line." Really! Two million federal workers thrown out the airlock into the cold vacuum of no-paycheck space and she thinks SHE is SO special! Millions of veterans may not receive benefits if the shutdown lasts more than two weeks and SHE needs her paycheck! Nutritional programs for women, infants and children could be disrupted after a week, Financing for small businesses could be hampered and SHE needs her paycheck! 400 national parks, museums and sites across the country will close shop and the National Parks Conservation Association estimates that local communities alone could lose some $30 million in business for every day of the shutdown and SHE needs here paycheck!. As the Tea Party Pestilence once again sickens our economy with more calculated slow downs, SHE needs her damn paycheck!
In too gross to mention but I will mention it anyway because its a matter of public health, especially now that we are in the flu season, a study of holy water in churches revealed it was contaminated with some very unfriendly microscopic thingies. This finding shouldn't surprise anyone who knows where humans put their hands and fingers. The Washington Times headline was, "Most holy water contaminated with fecal matter". And you were worried about hot tubs. Most people are not trusty hand washers. Just ask the victims of Typhoid Mary who didn't wash her hands enough after, well, you know.
In the next edition, we at the National Center for the Study of Absurdity will bring you the most absurd in science, sex, and religion that there just wasn't enough space for this week. This will include a bombshell dropped by Billy Graham's grandson Boz Tchividjian, who is a law professor at Liberty University.
Last Updated on Monday, 14 October 2013 01:28
To The Daily Sun,
I have been reading many letters to you lately bashing the Tea Party. While I value the right of everyone to have an opinion and to express it, I feel that most people are placing blame where it doesn't belong. I will explain what I mean by telling you why I am proud to be a member of the Tea Party.
I'm originally from Connecticut and when I was in 6th grade, I remember reading in a school book the difference between Democrats and Republicans. It said that Democrats were the party of the people, focusing on helping the poor with welfare programs. Republicans focused on tax breaks for businesses. Liberal indoctrination at its finest but I bought into it. I said I was going to be a Democrat when I grew up because I wanted to help poor people.
This lasted for a few years until I found out that a friend's mother decided she was going to quit her job cleaning houses because she could make more on welfare. Even though I was young, I knew what fraud was when I saw it. She was a woman who was able to work, but she was going to stop working and get money for nothing. For the next four years before they moved, I got to see this woman sit around her house all day smoking pot while both of my parents had to go to their jobs everyday so they could afford the things we needed. It was at that moment I became a Republican.
The years went on and I went from job to job looking to better myself or at least to earn money so I could live. While working at a store that was hiring people for a remodel, a family member that was on unemployment came in. I told him that the store was hiring and that he should apply. He didn't want to because Obama was going to extend unemployment benefits and he was going to be in line to get more money. I was outraged by this and I made sure he knew it. I looked him right in the eye and said, "You're part of the problem." He ended up applying and is better for it to this day.
A short time later the Tea Party came on the scene. I liked what TEA stood for, Taxed Enough Already. I was sick and tired of paying taxes that were being redistributed to people who were able to work and wouldn't. Now don't get me wrong, I know there are people who need help and I have no problem with them getting the help they need. But at this point in time I'd bet good cash money from the small amount I get to keep from my paycheck (because most of my money goes to paying rent and gas for my car so my wife and I can get to our jobs) that there are more people defrauding the system than actually need help.
So let's get onto the debate of today. Obamacare is a program that is based on fraud. You may think it isn't but here is why it is. First, it is supposed to help the poor by getting them subsidies to buy health insurance. So in other words it is going to give more money not only the people who can't afford health insurance but also more money to the people who are able to work but are unwilling to work for health insurance. But that isn't only where the fraud is. The fraud is also in the waivers given to the friends, donors, and supporters of Obama. The fraud is also in the subsidies guaranteed to the members of Congress who make anywhere from twi to 10 times as much as the people who the law is supposed to help. We already fund the Cadillac health insurance that they already have, but now we have to give them more money for it? Looks like fraud to me. And let's not forget Obama himself delaying parts of the law for some (the employer mandate) and not for others (the individual mandate). This was political posturing and criminal behavior as he does not have the legal right to do that and therefore has broken the law.
Do I want Obamacare to be repealed? You bet I do. It's not because I don't care about poor people and it's not because I hate Obama. It's because I am sick and tired of the fraud that government programs allow to happen and I'm certainly sick of paying for it. That is why I am proud to be a member of the Tea Party.
Last Updated on Monday, 14 October 2013 01:18
To The Daily Sun,
The government is closed, but Obamacare is open. President Obama correctly said that defunding Obamacare wouldn't stop it, so why is the government shut down?
House Republicans funded all the government except for two minor (disputed) Obamacare-related items providing fairness to individuals, small businesses and taxpayers. Democrats shut down the government rather than compromise.
Fairness requires that individuals and small businesses get the same one-year reprieve from Obamacare requirements that President Obama gave to big business. This reprieve would allow people to sign up for Obamacare, but not be forced to sign up or pay a penalty.
If the people who sign up for Obamacare get the benefits that President Obama promised, won't everyone rush to sign up voluntarily? How can disagreement over this justify shutting down the government?
The other disputed item is whether congressional and White House employees should get a taxpayer provided subsidy (for 3/4s of their health insurance premiums) that is contrary to the Obamacare law. Republicans say the law should be followed as Congress passed and President Obama signed it and there should be no special treatment for themselves and these federal employees.
But, perhaps fearing a revolt, President Obama decided to ignore the law and subsidize congressional and White House employees (many of whom earn over $100,000 and some nearly $200,000) in addition to any benefits provided by the Obamacare. Does protecting this unfair subsidy justify the harm caused by the government shutdown?
Although most Americans are unaffected by the shut-down, some Americans are hurt, especially since President Obama is shutting things that remained open during previous government shutdowns. Sometimes these closures are costing more money than normal operations.
Americans being hurt by the shutdown include, among others: 200 child cancer patients whose National Institute of Health trials have been stopped; veterans, National Guard, and combat soldiers whose payments are delayed; visitors to unexpectedly closed, for the first time, national parks and monuments; people thrown out of their homes on public land; millions of companies that are delayed or lose business; and millions of taxpayers whose taxes will pay non-essential government workers even though they aren't working.
The Republican House also passed bills fixing most of these specific problems to reduce the pain of the shutdown, but Senate Democrats won't even consider them. When asked why he wouldn't pass the bill funding the NIH trial for 200 child cancer patients, Democrat Senator Reid asked, "Why would we do that?"
President Obama and Democrats like to talk about fairness, but it isn't fair to deliberately harm so many people just to benefit big business and highly paid government employees.
Last Updated on Saturday, 12 October 2013 12:19
To The Daily Sun,
I am writing to tell you some exciting news. Back in 2011, when Hurricane Irene ripped through Campton, it left a lot of damage as it passed. In particular it hit Branch Brook Campground hard. It destroyed many campers and two bridges. One was the only driving bridge into the campground making it impossible for the owners who live on the other side of the bridge to have deliveries of oil and propane which heated the owners homes and getting out and about for groceries and their kids to school. On August 28, Heather Hamel interviewed Herb Davidson one of the owners who had to drive two miles down a snowmobile trail using four wheelers to get out.
Hurricane Irene destroyed the Turkey Jim Covered Bridge, slamming it downstream into the driving bridge entrance of the campground. As a seasonal camper, I can personally tell you how devastating it was watching my neighbors loose so much.
The exciting news is that the driving bridge was replaced that year and this weekend (Sunday around 11) the Turkey Jim Covered Bridge will be put back in it's place. The bridge had actually been destroyed back in the 50s. The person who rebuilt the bridge after Irene destroyed it is the grandson of the man who fixed it back in the 50s. So, this is the second time this bridge has been replaced. The really interesting fact about the rebuild is that all of the wood used to fix the bridge is from trees that were taken down in the campground.
We would love to have you there for the celebration of the bridge going back where it belongs. Last weekend the bridge was brought down the road and is ready to be placed on Sunday. This truly will be a historic day and a celebration for us campers as well as the owners who lost so much.
Last Updated on Saturday, 12 October 2013 12:16
To The Daily Sun,
Not since Foghorn Leghorn quit the Saturday morning cartoon lineup has one witnessed such fine examples of bluster, comic inflection and scratching in the sand as are on display at meetings between the Belknap County Commissioners and the Belknap County Delegation. Democrats are half right when they conclude that this dust-up is about power and not money. Perhaps an odd million dollars or so is inconsequential to the entitlement crew but some delegates do not agree. Accountability of those in power is part of the equation as is wise use of the people's money.
As to the "news" value of the commissioners' lawyers allegedly agreeing with themselves, this startling if somewhat solipsistic assessment caused me to do my own reality check. I inquired of my favorite Bichon Frise as to the state of affairs domestic; he assured me that I am a fine fellow indeed. I should say that settles the issue once and for all.
Rep. Richard B. Burchell
Belknap District 5
Last Updated on Saturday, 12 October 2013 12:13