To The Daily Sun,
Welcome to a special "God Talks To Me" edition of Tea Party Potty Tricks. As you well know, we here at the Center for the Study of Absurdity do our very best to keep the best of the eye-rolling stupid in the news. The 2016 GOP clown car is about to board.
As you may know, Mike Huckabee left Fox because God might talk him into a run for president. Huck says he knows God would bless him as president to end the "secular theocracy" ravaging America. Huck has magic dust for all of us: School shootings wouldn't take place if public schools organized daily prayers, religious assemblies, Bible readings and "chapel services". While on the Steve Deace Show, Pastor Huckabee noted that because "American Sniper" was a hit that proves conservatives are the electoral majority, so he can win. Trifecta! But wait! Huck's foreign policy is simple: If we don't fear God, nobody will fear us! Huck also claims marriage equality laws and rulings are like forcing Jews to eat pork.
In Iowa, Ben Carson was his usual vacuous self when he stated he'd be against Obamacare even if it worked. Because? Remember, this circus clown also said the ACA was worse than slavery and that progressives were like Nazis. Carson recently said the Congress should remove those judges who ruled in favor of marriage equality. Topping that off, America's foremost self-lobotomized brain surgeon noted that protests against police brutality helped ISIS and al-Qaeda. But God talks to ISIS and ISIS talks to God!
According to many conservative pundits, Sarah Palin has reached her "shelf life". Her speech at the summit was the finest display ever of her expertise in disconnected, meandering, syntax-free word salad. A National Review writer noted reports calling it a "bizarro" speech with others calling it "rambling" and "painful". You are just finding that out? Palin has told the Washington Post she is seriously interested in running in 2016.
Ted Cruz, America's very own Canadian jerky, also may be considering a run, too. Yay. Conspiracy nutter Alex Jones insisted the other day that a Cruz-Palin ticket is a sure winner. We hope, we hope, we hope.
Governor Bobby Jindal was the guy who told the GOP to stop being the "Party of Stupid." He now seems like the High Priest of the Stupid he railed at. Considering a 2016 run, Jindal boot-licked for the religious right and out-Christianed by holding a prayer rally. A purveyor of Muslim No-Go Zones lies, his prayer rally was a no-go zone for atheists, gays, and most forms of intelligent life. More than 3,000 gathered to save America from Sharia, homosexuality, pornography, and abortion. Natural disasters including Hurricane Katrina, as well as the national debt, were God's retribution for America's sins and we deserve punishments akin to the biblical wave of locusts! God told him so.
Do you remember good ole boy Justice Roy Moore of Alabama, who talks to God all the time? Moore is known for putting a five-ton Ten Commandments monument in his courthouse under the cover of darkness and getting removed from the bench for defying the U.S. District Court's order to remove it. Now he has written a letter to the governor of Alabama to say he will ignore federal same-sex marriage rulings because they don't apply to the state of Alabama. Moore's rant is that the institution of marriage that God ordained is under sustained attack from federal judges." Atheist theocracy! The Southern Poverty Law Center filed an ethics complaint. Popcorn, anyone?
Louie Gohmert is not about to be out-Christianed by Bobby Jindal or Mike Huckabee. A true example of the wide open spaces of Texas, Gohmert claims that God will punish (God told him of course) America because Obama dissed war-psycho Netanyahu and the USA no longer grovels for Israel. Louie is also upset with the GOP women in Congress. How dare them shut down the GOP's new abortion bill that lacked a sane exception for rape! Legitimate rape again.
Fundamentalist Christians aren't that much different than Islamists in core beliefs. They don't use swords, but like Pals For Allah, they want to use their government to enforce religion, intolerance, and injustice. But some do love the violence. Just the other day, Christian fundamentalist Pastor James David Manning praised the "wisdom and integrity" of Islamist extremist groups such as ISIS for executing gay people. ISIS recently executed gay men by throwing them off high buildings to their deaths with their hands tied behind their backs. This man who also talks with God is also known for calling for LGBT people to be stoned to death, claiming "Jesus would stone the homos" and that Ebola was being spread by gays.
Fox's most painfully doltish pundit, Pastor Todd Starnes, also knows what Jesus likes due to Skype. Starnes told his audience that Jesus would have loved "American Sniper," explaining how Jesus would tell "God-fearing, red-blooded" American snipers "well done" when they sent "godless" Muslims to the "lake of fire".
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