To The Daily Sun,
"My fellow Americans, that includes you illegal Mexican bums, this is indeed is a great day for you. Americans won't lose any more, you will all become big winners like me. I am great, you will see. Just you watch.
"Let me start with my big announcements. The EPA is gone. The "P" in in EPA does not stand for protection. We have brown water in Flint, yellow water in Colorado and we had black water in the ocean surrounding Deep Water Horizon. Taxpayers will save billions. The EPA protects us from nothing. When something goes wrong, they say it is never their fault.
"The Department of Education. It's gone too. Ever since its beginning the quality of all education in America has stagnated or declined while the cost has shot to the moon. All in the backdrop of handing out hundreds of billions of dollars that only improve wages, not grades.
"The Department of the Treasury will be run by the best financial expert I know, Bernie Madoff. My first act as president will be to pardon him. He will be in charge of sending out all financial statements. The good news with Bernie, the money will always be there on paper. I think Bernie can make our $19 trillion debt disappear with the snap of his fingers and two good computer programmers. Bernie is good, really good. You'll see just how good. I only hire the best. I fire the rest.
"The Senate is being cut in half. Two senators from each state is 50 percent too many. Two people are 10 times more likely to disagree than one. Who needs more disagreement in Washington?
"There will be a new $1 million bill printed with my beautiful face on it. I will be getting a getting a "buzz cut" in honor of the new currency. Those bills will be used to pay for all the trinkets and junk we buy from China. The bills will have special ink that disappears turning the bill into a dollar bill in 30 days. The Chinese think they know how to devalue currency. Wait till I screw them over a few times. I only have great ideas.
"Speaking of China, we need fewer Chinese. The world is overrun with them. They need a "no new child" policy. Too many Chinese are stinking up the planet. You can't see 10 feet in Beijing. I sell all kids of stuff with my name on it. I am going to do a great deal, a wonderful deal with the Chinese on my Trump condoms. In the spirit of good will. I will sell them millions of them at my cost or, at least is what I tell them is my cost. I need to make a couple pennies on each one. Just a little profit. They wont even feel it.
"People keep asking me If I am going to shut Guantanamo. Yup, I am going to do it. The place will be turned into a tourist trap with all income going to the U.S. treasury. Who wouldn't pay $2,000 a night to sleep in the same bunk where the worlds top terrorists slept? I will be offering daily deals to Cuba on Trump Air and even better deals on Trump cruise lines as well. Remember, both offer free Trump Vodka.
"Regarding Trump University. I understand several of my 90-year-old graduates think I sold a product unfit for them. That might be, but I assure you, those folks are the ones who finish all the crossword puzzles first at the nursing home. After I settle the suits and file for bankruptcy Trump University will reopen. I already have the best instructors in the world signed up to teach.
"Obama has agreed to teach a course in "how to improve race relations while making white people richer." Hillary has also agreed to teach a short course "the art of the lie" while Bill will be teaching "the art of the lei." Apparently he spent quality time In Hawaii with Monica learning the craft.
"My last promise. Everyone under age 62 and over 18, not in college full-time has 90 days to find work or their rear ends are going to be deported to Greece on Trump Air, (my business operations are going to thrive under my presidency), where they will feel at home not working and bankrupt. Who will pay for their flights? The Greeks. If they don't, we stop buying their yogurt. If you can't find work, put on your sombrero and head to Mexico. Ford is there, GM is there, all the big U.S. corporations are there, and thriving. Things are booming in Mexico, adios amigo."