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First Amendment for Christians only; You can't make this stuff up

  • Published in Letters

To The Daily Sun,

It's almost that time! Election cycle 2014. Small minds, loud mouths and big lies. Welcome to another edition of Tea Party Potty Tricks brought to you by the Center for the Study of Absurdity.

Believe it or not, we here at the center, who pledge to keep the stupid in the news, had to throw out the last draft as out of date. Leading the way to our headliner, Glenn Beck has told his listeners that when Hillary is running she will declare herself a lesbian and she "will be having sex with a woman on the White House desk if it becomes popular." Only a couple of weeks ago Beck told a crowd at the Christian University that God had informed him, "You tell them I am coming and I will settle scores." Benghazi! Benghazi!

Speaking of lesbians, poor Peter Labarbera of Americans For Truth About Homosexuality is upset that Starbucks ruined his Mother's Day with an ad featuring two cuddly lesbians. Staying up to date, he claimed Monday that Michael Sam's gay kiss will help destroy civilization. Benghazi! Benghazi!

If Judge Roy Moore of the Alabama Supreme hadn't cemented his nutter status in 2003 with his Ten Commandments monument fiasco, he has really done it this week by declaring that the First Amendment is for Christians only. Benghazi! Benghazi!

The above lovelies must thank God every night for Alan West who makes them look sane. Mr. West has just informed Fake News viewers that the Nigerian schoolgirls kidnapping is an Obama plot to distract us from, well, uh, Benghazi! Benghazi!

Not to be outdone by "Answers in Genesis," Ken Hamm who will tell you that the planet is only 6,000 years old, the Christian Post claims that there isn't any climate change. Worry not folks, the Post says it's just the end times. Benghazi! Benghazi!

In more earthly matters, Kansastan Gov. Sam Brownback says Obama is responsible for the cratering the Kansas economy. Only last March, he was schoolin' us in Tea Potty economics and Forbes magazine claimed that Brownback's plan was the way to "take the region to school." Uh-Oh. A $1.3 billion tax revenue shortfall is projected for 2014 — a 45 percent drop. Trickle Trickle. Down, down,down. Good thing ya don't get our frost heaves, Dorothy. Moody's downgraded Kansas and it affects over $2.8 billion in outstanding bonds. What the heck is wrong with Kansastan? Benghazi! Benghazi!

On a more serious note, proving to us that mental illness is more prevalent outside of institutions, a Newtown Massacre "Truther" has just stolen a memorial to one of the murdered children and informed her still grieving mother that he knows that she really never existed.

Going the extra mile for welfare cowboy Cliven Bundy were two hooded gunmen who threatened the life of a BLM officer while driving down the interstate. He was informed, "you need to die". If that doesn't make you think "American Horror Story", when a 4-year-old put a bullet hole in his forehead, his grandmother Renee Smith said, "accidents happen". The "law abiding" and "responsible gun owner" has been charged. Benghazi! Benghazi!

Oh, did I mention that Michael Sam football jerseys are now selling like hotcakes?

James Veverka