To The Daily Sun,
Welcome to Halloween Edition of Tea Party Petards. We here at the Center for the Study of Absurdity think nothing is more fitting than to devote this edition to the latest Hobgoblins, Witch's Brew, and Stink Bombs of the Ayn Rand and Mullah Omar wings of the GOP.
Starting off in festive fashion is World Nut Daily's "expert on demonology". It appears that horns and pitchforks virtuoso Karl Payne thinks Halloween and shows like The Walking Dead and American Horror Story promote "demonism on steroids" and open up "individuals to demonic influence." That's correct, a right wing news rag with an expert on demons! Back on your meds, Karl!
Our "Dead Cold Stiff and Without a Pulse" award goes to Texas TeaBircher Blake Farenthold who after being asked during the shutdown about his loss of retired veterans' votes because they might not get their disability checks, quipped, "sometimes you have to make a small sacrifice to move forward with what you're after."
Another Zombie of note appeared on Fake News recently to attack school lunches for impoverished families. Joy Pullman of the Heartlessland Institute attacked the new school meal pilot program in Florida. claiming that expanding access to free meals in Florida will increase childhood obesity and harm low-income families.
Watch out for the Green Vomit! Pastor Kevin Swanson of Generations Radio is begging you not to buy those Communist Lesbian Cookies from the Girl Scouts. Swanson hurls his pea-green splatter, "The individualism of feminism has been devastating to this country" while according to his sidekick pastor Dave Buehner, the GSA website "doesn't promote godly womanhood" and is "antithetical to a biblical vision for womanhood" when "they should train their daughters on how to become "a woman who will be a helpmeet to a man". Rumor has it, every box of cookies contains a free condom!
Not to be outdone by the speedy Green Vomit, in South Carolina a Christian soup kitchen refused to allow atheists help them feed the homeless because they must have ulterior motives. "Upstate Atheists" had raised over $2,000 to put together more than 300 care packages containing socks, gloves, toothpaste, toothbrushes, combs, soap, rain ponchos, snacks, shaving razors, antiseptic wipes, deodorants, tissues and gum. They plan to distribute these across the street from the soup kitchen this Saturday on National Make a Difference Day. Demons in the wipes!
From Big-Religion, Pope Francis prepared his arsenal of wooden stakes for those blood-sucking light-fearing vampires of the right wing. After recently taking his sacred chainsaw to the culture war ghouls for their pathological obsession with abortion, contraception and homosexuality, this week Pope Francis began pounding his wooden stake into the nearly heartless Christian Right. Regarding their severely diminished capacity to give a hoot, the Pope stated on the Vatican website: "it is a serious illness". YA THINK! Also from Big-Religion, Billy Graham's grandson Boz Tchividjian, who is a law professor at Liberty University recently dropped fire and brimstone on the evangelical community with his latest sexual abuse study. It turns out that evangelicals are worse than Catholics. On a lighter note, World Nut Daily's Jerome Corsi recently stated at a conservative event in Oregon that "sex isn't about fun....If you want to have fun, read a book, go to a movie".
The Village Idiot costume prize goes to Greg Collett, a TeaBircher running for a congressional seat in Idaho. Greg is adamantly against most government programs, including Medicaid. All 10 of his children are on Medicaid but Greg insists he is not a hypocrite. Well, Greg, no matter how much frosting you put on a cow patty it will never be a cupcake.
Winning our 'Republican with a Conscience" award this week, Texas Judge Carlo Key has quit the GOP and will run as a Democrat next term. Judge Key stated, "As the smallest minds continue to make the loudest noise in the Republican Party, true leaders will be driven by their principles and values to become Texas Democrats" ... "Rational Republican beliefs have given way to ideological character assassination. Pragmatism and principle have been overtaken by pettiness and bigotry."...."I cannot place my name on the ballot of the political party that is proud to destroy the lives of hundreds of thousands of federal workers over the vain attempt to repeal a law that would provide health care for millions of people throughout our country."
From that world of "the smallest minds who make the loudest noise", Ted Cruz is the anointed one according to his even smaller minded father. If the video of Sarah Palin having demons cast out before the election of 2008 (It did not work!), the video of Cruz being anointed by authoritarian, misogynist, homophobic, "Christian Sharia" seeking pastors at Tony Perkins' "Valueless Voters Summit" should really Halloween you out. Belladonna Tea? According to pastor David Brody, Cruz's political career is "a thing of God". Also contributing to Cruz's megalomania were pastors who recently called Junior Cruz a modern day George Washington. Then I am Tom Paine! And let's not forget what Junior said after losing the shutdown and debt ceiling battle: "It was an incredible victory!". Cruz is like a quarterback who gets sacked in his own end zone and then SPIKES THE BALL! And let's not forget Miss Tin-Foil-Hat USA Michelle Bachmann, who claims that although President Obama got 100 percent of what he wanted, the shutdown ended because "Republicans were the adults in the room". Its the lead paint maybe? And who was that veteran at the WW2 Memorial that shouted at Sarah Palin, "You're an Idiot!"? He deserves another medal!
From our "flaming bown bag on the front porch" news we have Dick Cheney who said recently that Benghazi was the worst disaster of his lifetime. Huh? I would say he needs a brain transplant, too. Hannibal Lechter has just the right tools and a top shelf selection of Fava Beans.