To The Daily Sun,
I woke up in a cold sweat the other night, the result of a frightening nightmare. An elitist professor (whom I shall call Dr. Edsel) had been elected as head of the EPA by President Hillary Clinton. Our economy, having been decimated by eight years under "Obamacare", had put citizens in desperate, financial straits. Meanwhile, China, Brazil and India had become economic powers. Strangely, a ghostly visage of the Lakes Region Community College campus repeatedly rose from my terrified unconscious state. While a haunting voice kept repeating a familiar refrain, "man made global warming is settled science".
Hillary was the keynote speaker at the 2017 climate conference in Cairo, Egypt. With Barack Obama having stolen her magnificent health care brain storm, her signature accomplishment was to be a combined magical environmental life saver and Muslim outreach world peace maker. She promised the world that the United States would do it's utmost to counter the increased CO2 pollutants by the emerging industrialized countries. This despite the fact that the earth had entered a cooling period for the past couple of decades, while CO2 emissions continued to rise. Madame President's response when queried about this fact replied, "at this point, what difference does it make". The NY Times was reporting that this plant killing, global cooling period was a direct result of anthropogenic global warming.
Al Gore was awarded the position of Transportation Czar by Hillary and he had a grand scheme with which to secure his second Nobel Peace Prize while accommodating the EPA. Dr. Edsel and the EPA had mandated that this country decrease CO2 automobile emissions by 100% by the end of Hillary's first term. A mind numbing and "inconvenient" conundrum even for the magnificent intellect of Mr. Gore.
With the expensive Nissan Leaf, Toyota Prius, Chevy Volt and Smart Cars financially out of reach of most consumers and now environmentally verboten by the Clinton regime, Al Gore went to work. After inventing the Internet and saving the polar bears, this would have to be really something. He had an epiphany and from his fertile mind emerged the fuel efficient, low maintenance, "Smart-Ass car". As part of his brilliant scheme, any old clunker car would do (the failed Cash for Clunkers program mercifully hadn't crushed all of them) and it didn't even need an engine or an intact front grill. It would be pulled by a mule.
During the winter months, heat would be provided by the mere cost of a can of "burro beans". Whenever the temperature reached the freezing level, the driver would need only feed the faithful steed a can, and soon a steady stream of heat producing flatulence would flood the front of ones' special designer vehicle. To entice sales, Al Gore even promised a sleek and lightweight "pooper scooper" with every new purchase. Inside the glove compartment would reside an airtight nose cover. It would be used to deflect any unwanted odors in the event of an assault on the driver's olfactory glands.
All the mules would be purchased from Muslim countries as part of the "Outreach for Muslim Peace Clinton Global Initiative". The mule was the perfect choice on religious, historical, environmental and pacifist levels. The Hebrews viewed the ass as something for peaceful use, the very emblem of peace, while the horse was the symbol of war. And we now know the camel is the symbol for Geico. Dr. Edsel had cross referenced the methane gas emissions from the motoring critter and found that the effect on global warming would be minor in comparison to the aforementioned 21st century hybrid cars. Mr Gore would track these mule-borne methane emissions by virtue of his super sensitive, algorithm decoder device which would be attached to his private jet fleet.
Mercifully, I awoke from this night terror after imagining that our economy went into total collapse and everyone tried to sell their mule after remembering a biblical passage. During a severe famine in Samaria, one distraught owner sold the head of his ass for 120 pieces of silver. Now, tell me if you find this odd. Every time I hear the word donkey or Democrat mentioned, I start humming the song, "Jim's Windy Mule". A local farmer told me that tune is an actual song. In fact, a 1935 classic by the Prairie Ramblers. Spooky huh?
The following night, I had another unnerving dream. Dr. Edsel had been relieved of his duties at the EPA and was now teaching our children at Lakes Region Community College. Now that would be just plain creepy if it were true. Even Boris Karloff, Lon Chaney and Bela Lugosi would have declined a starring role in a movie that chillingly unbelievable. I called Plymouth State University looking for some help to resolve my disarming dream state intrusions. Sadly, I was informed that Professor Leo Sandy was no longer heading the psychology department. Just thinking about Hillary Clinton, Al Gore and a million or so asses running around the country has caused some insomnia. Oh good, the 1931 version of "Frankenstein" starring Boris Karloff and Colin Clive is playing on MeTV. That should help bring about some restorative slumber for one greatly fatigued curmudgeon. Oh wait, Barack Obama is playing the part of the Invisible Man, hovering above it all, creating "exceptional" havoc, while no one seems to be noticing. Now that is really weird.